TRUE CRIME v 2.0

The following excerpts from the Ontario Provincial Court’s judgment in R. v. Potts, [1999] O.J. No. 4737 provides an interesting illustration of what kinds of acts will trigger “indecency” provisions in the Criminal Code.

The owners of a night-club were found guilty of operating a “common bawdy house,” that is, a place used for acts of “indecency” or prostitution. The Court found that the stage-shows performed at the club were indecent for the purposes of the section under which the charge was laid:

“Remingtons Men of Steel” is an adult entertainment establishment in Toronto. As a result of a complaint to Toronto Police on November 2, 1995 about on stage ejaculation by men a 3-month undercover investigation was conducted from November 20, 1995 to February 19, 1996.

The “Sperm Attack Mondays” stage shows had been performed for 2 1/2 years before the police investigation began. The police gave no warnings about the nature of the performances to management of Remingtons after the investigation and before charges were laid.

A typical evening at Remingtons for the purpose of these charges began with the masturbation/ejaculation performance on stage called “Sperm Attack Mondays“.

SPERM ATTACK MONDAYS PERFORMANCES

Over the course of his undercover investigation, Constable Bruce Newman observed the following twelve acts of on stage masturbation and/or ejaculation on the main stage at Remingtons during “Sperm Attack Mondays” performances which occurred over ten separate days of observation.

1. On November 20, 1995, an unnamed male, nude dancer sat on a pedestal on the main stage and began masturbating himself. He was unable to ejaculate and left the stage after masturbating for duration of three song lengths. Constable Newman testified that two or three songs would last a total of six to seven minutes. This dancer was not charged.
2. On the same night, an unnamed male dancer removed all his clothing, sat on a box on the stage and masturbated until he ejaculated onto his hand during the fourth song. The dancer wiped his hands with a small white towel and left the stage. This dancer was not charged.
3. On December 4, 1995, a dancer known as Eric was announced by Kenneth McKeigan. He removed all his clothing and began masturbating while walking around the stage in full view of approximately forty-five patrons. At one point, while standing at the edge of the stage, Eric used his penis to deliberately hit an unsuspecting patron on the head. The patron appeared surprised and displeased by the act and moved farther away from the stage. Eric ejaculated onto the stage near the end of the fourth song. He squeezed an amount of ejaculate from his penis onto the fingers of his right hand and held these fingers out towards three patrons standing at the edge of the stage. The first patron turned his head away to avoid Eric’s fingers. Eric then touched a second patron on the forehead with the ejaculate, then thrust his fingers towards the face of a third patron, who licked it. The crowd groaned audibly in disbelief. Eric picked up his clothes and left the stage. No one was observed to clean up the ejaculate from the floor or the stage after Eric’s performance.

Commentary

Qaere: whether Eric could have been charged with the offence of assault with a weapon, for striking the patron in the manner that he did?

Also, the undercover officers gave evidence of being invited to private booths, where they could pay for acts of prostitution with the dancers, and they overheard other patrons engaged in such negotiations with the dancers. The Court would not accept this evidence as sufficient to prove that sexual contact for money really went on in the booths, noting that the officers did not actually observe for themselves what went on in the booths. This raises the troubling question of just what a police officer engaged in such an investigation must do in order to provide sufficient evidence to substantiate indecency charges. As if it was not enough that the Constables had to sit through “Sperm Attack Mondays;” they are chastised by the Court for not heading into the back to check out the real action. Sheesh.

Qaere: whether, if the club owners hired only dancers with unusually small genitalia, the charges could be defended on the basis of the well-established legal priniple de mimimis causa non curat lex, the law does not concern itself with minuscule things.

Emelio Estevez Captains European Handball Team to Title

Captained by the young gun, the Greece Lightning won their unprecedented fifth European Handball title. Emelio Estevez had the tournament of his life. He set a new rouge record for a seven game series and torched the penalty record for fewest minutes served with a total of negative seven (the negative seven penalty minutes were penalty minutes that were applied to the other team every time Estevez did or thought something out of the supreme goodness of his heart).

The games and gamesmanship were almost too good to be true. In fact, the on court heroics of Estevez will soon be turned into a movie. Tentatively, the movie will be titled Hand Job. In a feel good Mighty Ducks kind of way, Hand Job will capture the magic of Estevez’s magical season. The title Hand Job is derived from two words: a) hand, because it’s a hand ball league; and b) job, denoting Estevez’s blue collar like approach to putting in hard work.

Hand Job will be released in the fall to coincide with the start of the new hand ball season.

The Seedy Underbelly of Piñatas

Six out of ten piñatas have undergone some form of sexual abuse or assault. Sadly most of the cases go un-reported.

Sexual predators prey on the come-wantonness of piñatas and stuff them full of candies and toys, and ultimately push them to perform at parties.

One piñata, speaking on condition of anonymity, told of how the partygoers got her friend so high that she was unaware of the blindfolded perps sneaking up on her. Eventually they hit the friend so hard that she exploded. Yes, exploded.

The sad truth is that Piñatas are being murdered at an alarming rate. And, yet, police are no closer to figuring out who is behind the illegal piñata ring. The evidence is always swept away, leaving each crime scene tampered with. Only an evil super villain could keep these atrocities under wraps or layers of colourfully decorated papier mache.

Who Done Done it?

On a snowy night in Maine, almost a year ago to the day, a small town was shattered by a hideous crime. A crime so hideous and gruesome, that to even think of returning to a normal life, would indicate that you’re completely devoid of any moral grounding and/or healthy fear of Jesus. The crime has remained unsolved.

Here are the facts. One year ago a local couple, Bill and Cindy White, hosted a murder mystery. The guest list included a who’s who of the town’s prominent couples. Jim and Cindy Clark showed up. As did Rick and Cindy Vidal. Come to think of it, Carl and Cindy Doubet were also there & Cindy brought an amazing meat platter. The meat platter, although amazing, consisted of the standard cold cuts (e.g. salami, bologna, ham, black forest ham, and turkey slices). Unfortunately, since so much is known about the meat platter, it would’ve been nice if it actually tied into the investigation, but, alas, it didn’t have anything to do with the crime. The dinner party was progressing nicely. The el vino was flowing and then it happened. A strong foul odor cut through the night, singeing nose hairs forever. Yes, the cheese was cut.

The smell wafted through the air, gently caressing each person’s nostrils. Rick and Cindy Vidal’s nostrils were caressed past the point of a caress, shooting right into the deep body massage zone. Coincidentally, they were the first to puke all over the floral display. Bill and Cindy White did not fare any better. Cindy attempted to bury her singed nose in Bill’s crutch. It was no use, the smell from the cut cheese completely overpowered the smell from Bill’s crutch. She puked all over Bill’s crutch. Cindy Doubet, who also happened to be near Bill’s crutch, also puked from the combination of Cindy White’s puke, Bill’s crutch’s floral aroma, and the cut cheese.

In total the cheese had slain one crutch and one floral arrangement. Eventually the cut cheese made its getaway, gently dissipating into the night, never to be seen again. Since any forensic evidence that could’ve been collected had been tarnished by the copious amounts of puke, it was in essence the perfect crime.

The town has been unable to host a dinner party for the last year, and that, my friends, is most loathsome. If you know anything about the crime feel free to get in touch with the Moustache Press’ crack criminal squad & cheese / O.J. division.

Trash Talking Broken Down

Ever wonder what that scrub is saying to you on the basketball/squash/tennis court?

This is the start of what will most likely end up being a comprehensive four-volume set of books until they’re transferred to tape, making them books on tapes, taped to the sides of book stores.

“Get that weak shit out of here”

was initially thought to mean a block of a non-aggressive lay-up, but unfortunately it literally means to get the stool sample to the lab. The reason this is usually said in such an aggressive manner is that the consistency of the stool sample is typically loose and runny, meaning that if it’s not bagged right away it could potentially disintegrate into nothing or become cross contaminated with Cross Colours.

“Welcome to the NBA”

means exactly that. A welcome committee comes out and presents a gift basket full of soaps, cheeses, and a Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul to the unsuspecting player.

“Your momma sucks, just like you!”

describes the oral fixation of your mother, god bless her soul, and your homosexual tendencies. This is not meant to be derogatory in any way, the usage would occur after a particularly spectacular play, and only to encourage a fallen defender.

More nuggets to follow Bish!

Shoes as a Barometer of Age

Ever not know the age of the woman you’re trying to pick up?

It’s a tough one, considering a woman’s age could be anywhere between 9 and 86. How does one go about determining a woman’s age in a savvy way?

The only way to accurately determine a woman’s age is to look at her shoes. If left up to guessing, or, worse yet, actually asking the woman her age (all seem to be pathological liars in this department), you’re screwed. Realistically all statutory rape charges or cougar attacks could be prevented simply by a quick glance at the woman and a long stare at her shoes.

If the woman is wearing:

a) skate shoes, she would fall in the 9-16 age group;

b) penny loafers, you’re seeing a ghost, basically an apparition of Swayze in drag, and you should pursue this dating option most vigorously;

c) cowboy boots, she is inevitably in her early 50′s acting like she’s in her 30′s; and,

d) moon boots, indicates that she’s crazy…crazy in love with YOU “wk-shh-wk-shh” (whip sounds),

and when someone’s in love with you, well, does it really matter what age she is? Because when you’re that in love, it’s magical and special and full of other goodness like unicorns or rainbows.

Stock Tips

Birth. Time in between. Death. Sound familiar?

We all go through it, just some more gracefully than others^. Once a year, the finance department ponders the age-old adage, mainly: “the only things certain in life are death and taxes.” Now if we’re all going to die, what’s the point of going on? For some that’s a legitimate question, a legitimate question with legitimate answers. In order for you to figure out if you should pull the plug, or, conversely, go on living, you need to take stock of your life. In order to help you take stock of your life, we here at the Moustache Press have put together two life models (one Eastern and the other Western) to help you determine the validity of your life.

The Western model is based on an escalator. Most people who would apply this to their life would be of Western descent, or who at the very least have stayed at a Best Western. If by chance it happens to be a person of Eastern descent staying at the Best Western, then the model gets a little tricky, but only if they use the ice machine. Under the assumption that the Eastern couple, staying at the Best Western, has used the ice machine, at least during the first 24 hours of their stay, then one would only be able to graph their self worth based on double occupancy of a single room, otherwise it would be impossible.

Continuing with the escalator model, throwing out all assumptions, except the assumption that it’s being applied to a person of Western descent. The escalator model is a counter-argument to the Buddha Ferris wheel model, something you’ll learn about later, and works around the Westerner’s proclivity to hang out in shopping malls. A Westerner is born, a Westerner dies, and in between he/she hangs out at a mall purchasing panties. If the Westerner happens to be a girl, then she’s buying her own panties, but if the Westerner happens to be of the male the persuasion, then he’s buying panties for his old lady^^.

Interesting and completely true, is probably what you’re saying, but at the same time what you’re asking yourself is probably along these lines: “Yeah, I buy a lot of panties, but how does that relate to the validity of my life?” and, “Dude, I am not any where closer to understanding whether or not I can kill myself, yet.”

Patience. You must have patience – like the Chinese. The truths you can derive from the escalator model completely depend on the amount of panties you actually bought in the mall. If you were one to hang around the lingerie store, rarely going in, and definitely not purchasing panties until past thirty years of age, then your life has been a complete waste of time. You’re dead weight to your friends. You’re dead weight to your confidants (e.g. Susan Sarandon). And you’re definitely dead weight to society, just hurry up and die. You probably haven’t made a quick decision in life, so let us make it for you – you should die by the hands – the hands doing karate chops – of Mr. Steven Segal.

Good, you’re still reading, that means you’re still alive. You, my friend, have and have lived a completely meaningful life. For the sake of your own discussions at the country club, I’ll explain to you the Buddha Ferris wheel model, so you can look cool. Basically, Buddha’s Ferris wheel posits that life is spent at a carnival, getting the clap from other carnies (e.g. passed around form tent-to-tent in a circular motion – like a Ferris wheel).

This model is actually a little more grounded in spirituality, mind, body (the ravaging effects of the clap), and soul: considering most carnies are overweight and refrain from wearing shirts, giving them a strong resemblance to the actual Buddha – Steven Segal.

Want to buy some panties?

^ Joan Rivers is the personification of graceful death.
^^ If the Western male is buying panties for himself, he automatically becomes Asian and the panties automatically become used.