Soapbox Derby Pushes Father To The Limit
The time honoured tradition of the soapbox derby has its roots in ancient Greece or rather men’s Grecian Formula – where only the black shall survive (Matrix Trilogy). Years of lubricating, refining, re-lubricating, polishing, rounding, mega-lubing, wind tunnels, child demands, and combing out the grey, have pushed local father Bruce Rhodes (67) to his physical & emotional limit. Forced to give up his dream of having a 30-minute flyer route, Bruce was instead pushed into mastering the fundamentals of aeronautics by his son Brucie Junior (II), now 45. “I don’t care if this is sweeps week on Days of Our Lives,” snapped Brucie, “we have a grand prize to win.” This years prize is a $200 gift certificate from Sandy’s Sporting Goods on Pekoe.
Senior has placated Brucie to the tune of: a customized aerodrome/wind tunnel in the foyer, a crude petroleum refining station in the baby’s room (no babies), and a cotton candy cyclone / crouton popper in the bidet. None of his extra work has satisfied Brucie’s hunger for that Grand Prize. “I have big plans for that prize money,” quipped Brucie, “I have been planning our family’s future since 1974.”
Apparently, there are extensive, but crude blueprints (circa 1975) that chronicle Brucie’s plans for the prize money – a total which has declined exponentially since the Big Wheel craze of ’83. The rudimentary plans & diagrams chronicle a 5-step process whereby Brucie would sequentially graft large patches of hair onto his body transforming him into either a miniature Chewbacca (Rob) or a stinking Donkey Kong (precursor patent holder) – neither option being available at Sandy’s Sporting Goods on Pekoe.
“The neighbours think we are crazy,” says Brucie, “but we don’t hate. I’m so motivated that I feel like going on a 3-day Days of Our Lives frenzy.” Motivation indeed.
When asked to comment on fulfilling his son’s dream in place of his own, Bruce Senior released this statement through his life coach (Kirby Puckett’s book):
“The family is extremely proud of Brucie’s commitment to turning himself into a fiend. Anything I can do to guarantee the adhesiveness of the hair patches, I might.”
Fast-forward to race day: Sporting a massive carnival beard (are those bees?), Brucie pulled the tarp off this year’s entry – a 10-man hot-tub with mounted wheels. 5 minutes later, the Rhodes men had been foiled again by little Rory. They believe Rory’s ingenious placement of a flame decal above the front wheel contributed immensely to his burst of speed over the finish line. For the record, their massive hot-tub entry never successfully made it off the trailer due to complications with Bruce Senior’s back. We asked if they were going to try again.
“You bet your ass!” said Brucie. “Sandy’s Sporting Goods has committed to another year as the chief sponsor, so we’re on for next year.”
At the time of deadline, Sandy’s has pulled it’s gift certificate windfall and is assembling a lifetime achievement award for the Rhodes men. Sandy knows some local hairdressers and 15 bags of hair are being offered as the consolation prize. Win win.