THE RACE TO 100 DECIBELS

With the mainstream popularity of mixed martial arts borne of the street fighting arena, we are always on the lookout for the next wave of underground pursuit that will wash over the public’s fringe. I’m delighted to announce we’ve got next: Competitive Urination Leagues.

What? Yes, The 2010 Pisslympics. These extremely competitive events of urinary athleticism take place behind bus terminals, in aircraft hangers, and at Fabricland. A competitor new to the sport will gravitate towards the distance and hue events (think beets), but the strongest veteran challengers all have a singular focus: the decibel competition. An eighteen year vet was reported to have hit two 95+ decibel showings at the regional qualifiers this June. To put it in perspective, long-term exposure to 80-85 decibels can cause permanent hearing loss.

This idea that 100 decibels was even possible to be generated from a urination stream started when the sport’s founder P.J. Gorman squared off against a co-worker in the handicap washroom and shattered the mirrors and porcelain. P.J. had kicked his stream into what is now officially referred to as “The Howl”. If the howl is achieved by over 10 competitors simultaneously, it can rival an aircraft carrier flight deck for noise.

The howl might be the ultimate litmus test for “arrival” into the sport, but how does the average Joe learn to howl? The quick answer is: you don’t. The untrained participant runs the risk of a number of potentially fatal ailments:

• sphincter bullets
• anus bullets (sphincters)
• portobello mushrooms
• Bs on T
• Ts on A
• Bs on A
• Bs in A (try to get them out – you can’t)

One of the major complaints from lobbyists is that this can’t be a hygienic endeavour. Amazingly, it was tested to be 15 times more hygienic than rollerblading. Some citizens are welcoming the after-hour congregations because of the sand-blasting quality of the howl that is clearing graffitied walls of splendid wands. Yes, no fig wang newtons. After his stag, Boshcoff said, “now we have a two pronged approach for our application with lube.” We assume he meant the application for spectator sport approval with LUBE (Litigation Union & Bureau of Economics).

An outspoken winner from the 2006 Pisslympics has challenged Usain Bolt to a sprint. We still have no idea how this race would shake out with one competitor staying in the starting blocks. We look forward to chronicling the final breaking of the 100 dB barrier, and good luck to all qualifying athletes.

DIABOLICAL BIZ MARK KEYS

Fourteen year old youth Mark Keys has assumed the appearance and persona of a 1988 Biz Markie in hopes of becoming the lovable sidekick to the eighth tier breaking crew in his church group.

While being a slender caucasian teen, Mark has implemented an hourly feeding frenzy consisting of Joe Weider (the man), a 6-pack of bismarck donuts, and jumbo Dr. Skipper Slurpees. His beat-boxing still needs a lot of work – so much so, that he has enrolled at Dickie Stubbs school for advanced beat-boxing and barbecue sauciers. Mark just received a B+ on his recent assignment entitled “My lethal weapon is my rhyme” – a free-flowing hot sauce recipe to pair with Ice-T’s newborn onesies line and direct to video spa relaxation dvds (Surviving The Game). That was one spicy recipe.

While he may be working on improving his overall girth and beat-boxing, his rabble-rousing is sorely lacking. Recent outbursts of, “Beat box ya stop? Not!” and “”Go ninja, go ninja, go!” got him booed out of the post Sunday School gathering for juice and biscuits. However, it is not all moments of humiliation. Biz Mark Keys crushed it last week at a Papa Piccolinos BMX Demo where he bum-rushed the MC’s table after a phat piece of action and got off a, “Bundiddly-diduly-diduly-dee!” into the microphone. Sweet redemption.

His future’s so bright…