Comprehensive Book Review

Quick departure from the typical toilet talk that we are well famous for, let us class it up for an afternoon and break down some of the world’s greatest literature with our rich and embracing critique. Knowing that all acclaimed novels are placed on the shelves of men simply to get them laid, using our list of novels will probably get you gang raped (in a good way). For this first review, let us do a top ten. Hit it.

10. Exposing Myself by Geraldo Rivera

Anyone who remembers the afternoon talk show wars of the 80s waged between Geraldo, Donahue, and Oprah will adore every story about the prostitutes Geraldo married and abused by subjecting them to… Geraldo. It is packed full of sweaty Latin nuggets with his oil essentially oozing off the pages. Spoiler Alert: fake moustache.

9. The Long Hard Road Out of Hell by Marilyn Manson

This was a personal selection for us as we also had a lot of experience with being rejected by hot babes and turning to Satan for the answers on how to proceed. How do you proceed? Get that paper! Damn straight.

8. Nancy Reagan by Kitty Kelley

Try your best to go to sleep after you crack page one. Immediately called my psychic after reading it and she said she knew I was reading. Whoa. Also, any story about Ronnie the rapist puts a new spin on the bag of jelly beans.

7. Iacocca: An Autobiography by Lee Iacocca

Still playing Lemonade Stand on your Commodore? Me too. Read this book and set the price right in the sweet spot and watch the cash pour in. Thank you Lee.

6. The Unabomber Manifesto; Industrial Society and its Future by Unabomber

It’s hard to place the handsome penciled portrait with this document. We’ve all had our worries, but it looks like Unabomber didn’t. Certainly lets you know everything will be alright. Pfeewff.

5. Bryan Adams Everything He Does by Sorelle Saidman

Everything he does is done according to Bryan and I’m talking about Sorelle. Surprising that he let his gimp write a book. Kudos.

4. The Number of the Beast by Robert A. Heinlein

Hey devil worshipper – prepare to have your mind blown: 666 is NOT the number of the beast. According to this book it’s: 10,314,424,798,490,535,546,171,949,056. Served!

3. A Lifetime of Love: Poems on the Passages of Life by Leonard Nimoy

Spock’s poems are like a soothing balm for the trekie’s soul. Rap on brother. The word “love” is written 1535.6 times which amazingly is the star date in episode 44 “The Trouble With Tribbles”. Weeeeeird.

2. What’s Happening to Grandpa? by Maria Shriver

As touched as I was after reading this, I still want to know: what IS happening to grandpa? Horny bugger.

1. The Book of the Law by Aleister Crowley

Anyone who can pen a book in 1 hour a day for 3 days after hitting the lunch buffet and doing so with a man skulking in the corner muttering jibberish is a hell of an author. Also, I think he inspired Ozzy Osbourne – that guy is right freaky. FIN.