North Battleford Mayor Enacts Sweeping Bridge Hygiene Bylaws
Brian Whittleluck had only been in City Hall for a week after his landslide loss to encumbant Dick Brumpton and subsequent bittersweet victory after Brumpton suffered a fatal head-injury while popping the cork on a human-sized bottle of champagne at his private Wheelies roller-skating victory celebration.
The former city dog-catcher Whittleluck caused a public stir early in his term with his comments at Brumpton’s funeral, “Look, Dick Brumpton was not the mayor of my city, he was the mayor of my liver, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
But Whittleluck seems to have swayed Battlefordian public opinion in his favor by unveiling his popular plan at the Bremmerton Corn Roast last Thursday. He spoke for nearly three hours, mostly of the undeniable vitality of ground beef and a group of people he only referred to as “Fridgemagnet sons of bitches.” The speech often veered into vivid remembrances of his boyhood growing up on an Albertan cattle farm, his Uncle Rory’s penchant for wearing expensive Danish cologne, and his own fear of light sockets because of their unmistakable resemblance to the snouts of pigs, an animal he’s always believed to be a foul and manipulative species.
Luckily for the Corn Roast attendees, he’d saved the best for last. “I’ve been visiting numerous public pools around this province and I can tell you first hand that bridge hygiene, especially among our town’s children, is at an all time low. We’ve seen kids with two, three, even four month buildups. And I a can tell you that here in North Battleford, that is just not good enough.”
The mayor met initial audience skepticism with an extensive demonstration of the proper bridge-flossing technique: vigorously running a bath towel slathered in regulation garlic-infused almond oil over his crotch like a two person saw, quickly enough to generate “a real nice warmth” – a precaution that will be mandatory for all school-aged children this coming Monday morning. The cob-gnawing audience was instantly overjoyed at Whittleluck’s brave and informative presentation and en masse took to the Tilt-a-Whirl with a rabid glee.
It remains to be determined if the bylaws will make a dent in buildup. The MP contacted deceased mayor Dick Brumpton’s family and his common-law wife Petra agreed to speak off the record. What follows is an exact description of what she said, “Brian Whittleluck is a brave mayor, he’s taken a stand on the issues that matter most to regular Albertans. Have you sampled some of the bridges floating around out there? I have. Big time. Who knew that such a clean heat could be achieved with so little oil and a nice fluffy bathtowel? I believe that right now Dick Brumpton is flossing in his grave.”
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