Revisiting the pet cemetery
As adult life takes more and more of my crabs to the afterlife in a burning butoxide lather, I decided to make the gruelling 5 minute drive to my childhood home and our backyard pet cemetery to revisit the lives of creatures past. Fuck, that was a long drive. All of a sudden, I was overflowing with emotions about our gerbil Muffin, our dog Rex, our bull-dyke Spot, our gimp Minnie Muffeé, our mom Fish-head, and our Ricky Martin Ricky Martin. However, those snuggle buddies spanned numerous decades. How did it break down on a week to week basis? Glad you asked.
Years 1-10:
The crest of the 80′s was an exciting time for the pet owner. Movies and television were featuring BJs on bears, dolphins and angels, Italians with airwolves, and other manimals just cold kicking’ it. We enslaved them all. Obviously, for cost reasons we had to combine sustenance for all manner of beasts. The mash-up was a delectable Oskar® blend of:
- bananas FOR BJs
- fire ants FOR bears
- sardines FOR dolphins
- dolphins FOR angels
- Lou Gossett Junior FOR Italians
- Lou Gossett Senior FOR airwolves
- air biscuits FOR manimals
With the Oskar® fresh out of the box, they blended swimmingly, but good luck finding a fresh Lou Gossett Senior every second week. We over-farmed him – big time. With such a variety of pets, we expected their lifespans to stretch well into our adult lives. It was quite a shock when they all died on the SAME deer hunting trip with my father and grandfather, but I’ll always remember the succulence of that deer’s dorsal fin. To be honest, we couldn’t sort out the rotting carcasses afterward, so we blended them all up to feed to our new pets and buried the blender. Our gracious dead. Notable mention goes out to the fire ant collection. Those were some of the finest auctioneers to graduate from Dust Mite U (Auctioneer Campus).
Years 11-20:
We were prepping for the 90s, and it really showed in our choice of pets (jodhpurs capabilities preferred). We didn’t have as much time to spend with them, what with our fledgling honk addiction, nor did we have as many family members since my sister moved out to work on a Lou Gossett farm and my father and grandfather died on a deer hunting trip (what a delicious smoothy!). Regardless, we still had an eclectic mix of critters. Check this: we had a cat, a dog, some fish, an iguana, a Bo Jackson cartoon, and a parakeet. I know what you’re thinking: I had the very same Bo Jackson cartoon. Oh yeah?! Did yours feed on episodes of Murder She Wrote too? Didn’t think so smart ass. These pets died a little more naturally which was always after being eroticized by Angela Landsbury’s blueberry smocks to the point of deadly over-titillation. As these cuties flopped, my mom and I perfected a mummification technique utilizing chewed saltines. With our love of the piñata, you never knew until the fourth whack if you pulverizing a candy sack or a rotting maggoty cat corpse. Either way, it went well with that tomato soup. Sup?
So anyway, they lived, they died – what of it? I dug up the blender which mom had conveniently repackaged. Score one for team Oskar® and minus one for mom’s time capsule.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 8:28 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.