Once again Major League baseball has outdone themselves by electing MC Hammer/Carl Lewis (max roids) hybrid Ricky Henderson into their illustrious Hall of Fame. A stereotypical product of the raging eighties (think neon), Ricky Henderson quickly rose to stardom smack dab in the middle of what will now come to be known as baseball’s “steroid era”. Despite playing in his prime with the likes of Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco (ass groping coppertone model reject), he pretty much retired last week at the ripe ol’ age of 51 looking more weathered than the 9th precinct of New Orleans after Katrina. Amazingly, he has faced little scrutiny about ever using steroids. Henderson quickly put the subject to rest when confronted by a reporter about Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50% of major league players were using gorilla musk roids. Ricky responded “Well, Ricky’s not one of them, so that’s 49% right there”. He also was quoted as saying, “they kept that shit a secret from me. I wish they had told me. My God, could you imagine Ricky on Roids? Oh baby, make babies.”
The all-time leader in stolen bases, lead-off home runs, runs scored and unintentional walks, he’s an obvious candidate for the hall of fame. He also looks exquisite in an angled high top fade, has a super-human understanding of the financial markets, and if brain capacity is any indicator, it is possible Ricky did more steroids than any living matter can comprehend. In the late 1980′s the Yankees sent Ricky a six figure bonus cheque that after several months an internal audit showed that the checque had not been cashed. When contacted by the organization and asked if there was a problem with the cheque, Ricky replied, “I’m just waiting for the money market rates to go up.”
Famous for talking to himself and referring to himself in the third person (for all 25 years of his career), we also found out that before every game Ricky stood in front of a full length mirror buck-naked repeating “Ricky is the best” for several hours. He once called Kevin Towers, then GM of Padres, and left this message on his voice mail: “Kevin, this is Ricky calling on the behalf of Ricky. Ricky wants to play Ricky-style baseball.” He once asked a teammate how long he thought it would take him to drive to the Dominican Republic. The insanity list goes on and on. Other brilliant quotes include “I am a walking record (vinyl)”, “Ricky doesn’t like it when Ricky can’t find Ricky’s limo”, “Ricky’s got a big ranch. Ricky’s got a big bull. Ricky’s got horses. Ricky’s got chickens and everything — And Ricky’s got a 20 gallon hat.”
I take back everything I previously said about Ricky. Total Genius.
Stay tuned for our Doug Flutie exposé outlining his abuse of HSH (Human Shrinking Hormone).