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The
New Movement De L’ Environment
Do not, I repeat, do not support any new or old
environmental movements. They’re obsolete with
spotty track records to say the least. For example,
take a close look at Greenpeace and tell me what
you see. Personally, I see Greenpeace as an interest
group, who at best is only interested in keeping
Bryan Adams’ career alive. The shadiness doesn’t
stop there. In fact, it keeps going through the
long line of environmental movements, groups, and
whatever is chic for celebrities to be part of.
WWF can’t shake the dirty wrestling connotations
(even the WWF’s wrestling counterpart dropped
the F and added an E to distinguish itself from
the environmental group), and the harpooning of
the save the whales cause by the big boned leaves
us with nothing to believe in. This leaves the conventional
conservationist at a loss. Luckily, I have a few
suggestions:
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DVD Rental of
the Week 
Glitter
Starring: Mariah Carey
Director: Mario Carey
Executive Producers: Larry Carey,
Carey Fischer
All that Glitters is Gold, Solid Gold.
I have just witnessed possibly the
greatest motion picture of all time.
Where was I when Glitter was in the
theatre? I'll tell you where, missing
the greatest motion picture of all
time. If you only rent one movie in
the next half hour, make sure it is
Glitter.
Glitter is an ingenious masterpiece
that evokes a love so spiritually
pure, that you receive a free condom
with every rental. Just as 'Kate and
Leopold', 'Crossroads' and 'Jason's
Lyric' have raised the bar in the
past, Glitter continues to push the
envelope, expanding and surpassing
human comprehension, at which point
you will find a use for the free condom.
A caution to younger viewers though,
there are more hairy ass shots in
the first 30 seconds of this movie
than in all of 'Jason's Lyric'.
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 Let
me introduce you to the future of
the NBA. His name is Mookie
Jordan. This 10 year old from
Garland, Texas has been toted as the
next big thing. He is currently the
starting point guard for the Bringimham
Wildcats, a high school in Compton,
and already has been compared to greats
like Michael Jordan and Mookie Blaylock.
As you will soon discover there is
irony in such comparisons.
Mookie averages 22 rebounds a game
and leads the league in assists. He
averages an astounding 70 points a
game. Mookie claims he could increase
his points per game if he was allowed
to remove the bullet proof vest. Oh
Mookie, as D.J. Quick once said, "Basketball,
it's just like Compton". "His
ability to run the open court is unparalleled,
even at the professional level",
coach Goldie Hawn claims. Mookie admits
basketball comes naturally to him
but wishes his life off the court
was as revered. Mookie's mother Britney
Smeres is a single mother, and has
had the difficult task of raising
Mookie on her own. Mrs. Smeres credits
his natural gift to his fathers. Wait
a minute, did she say fathers?
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I
Found a Pubic Hair in my O.J.
The war on terror has been progressing at a slow pace.
With support faltering at both home and abroad, it was
clear that Bush needed to take a different approach. Sure
there were suggestions coming from all sides, mainly:
Dick Armey, Colin Powell, Jerry Rice, Kojack, and Dick
Armey Jr; and all offered valid advice, but in the end
Bush had to trust his gut feeling. What did the pride
of Texas do? His gut told him to skip pouring over thousands
of legal proceedings and to fire any egghead who didn't
reduce an analogy to a - 'Reese Witherspoon would've prosecuted
this way." Once the eggheads and documents were removed,
his gut grumbled loud and clear that it was time to investigate
the terrorists: American style. Wanted dead or alive became
the theme song and the Juice became the heroine of Bon
Jovi's epic ballad. Juice? Yup, this article attempts
to prove that the parrallels between O.J.'s case/detective
skills and the war on terror are too similar to ignore.
Observe:
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Maximum
Overdrive Based on True Events?
FORT WORTH, TX--Further questions have been raised by
Texas State Police as to the validity of allegations that
lawnmowers and 18-Wheelers in the area have shown an increased
interest in the newly constructed Texaco. Police Chief
Foster was quoted as saying, "Oh yeah. This place
has everything -- sno-cones, 3 kinds of mustard, a special
burrito microwave -- but the last thing we need right
now is more Y2K backlash." Emilio Estevez was asked
to comment on the haywire machines and offered this explanation:
"Excuse me. I'm on my way to the Texaco." According
to Interpol sources, the FBI are also looking to question
a Paris born actress who played 'Connie' in the movie
'Maximum Overdrive'. "Her eventual testimony reeks
of 'International Incident'," an FBI Spokesperson
said at a hearing earlier today at Texaco. |
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Smoking
Study Linked to Elks' Hockey Equipment
THUNDER BAY, ON--A smoking study conducted by The Ministry
of Health has cemented the notion that smoking does, in
fact, turn your face into Sargon's Trapper. The owner
of G.K. Sandwiches is outraged. "No f'n way,"
he said. "I've been smoking in the same spot for
50 years and don't vote for no [sic] Sargon." When
asked about his green leather face, he quickly responded,
"You tell Laraway to return that damned Trapper --
Here take my face!" Sargon was contacted for a statement,
but was too busy ruining sports for Jon Krawchuk. Coincidentally,
Ken Bowser is still waiting in smoker's alley hoping to
ruin Krawchuk and in turn 'save the world' from Sargon. |
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Man
Found Missing
KENORA, ON--Ruben Martine, a local beverage enthusiast,
was found missing by Provincial Police on Wednesday following
an unrelated criminal investigation. "We didn't even
know he was going missing before we found him," Constable
Bartlett said. "The man seemed very irritable and
possibly confused, but definitely almost missing."
Officials returned the man to his home which was a great
relief to the on-duty groundskeeper. "I'm glad he
was found before he went missing," said the groundskeeper.
Mister Martine was unavailable for comment, but was issued
a strong warning from police on the dangers of potentially
misplacing oneself. "People are much bigger than
a set of keys," said Bartlett. No charges have yet
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Da
Unabomber's Da Bomb: Excerpts from the Unabomber's Prison
Diary
I miss the log cabin, yet at the same time I've never
felt so alive. Ricky, from cellblock four, gave me a doo-rag
the other day. I feel hard again, which is good since
my street credibility was severely damaged by the whole
hooded-gheri-curl-sunglass motif.
I can't believe how much time I wasted on mathematics
and letters - they were soooo dead end. Before, my only
exercise was wood chopping and burpees. Now I'm practically
a star on the blacktop. My post-up moves, largely a combination
of the dream shake and Gervin finger roll, are unstoppable.
The blacktop has turned into the perfect outlet for my
sexual frustrations; luckily my explosive letters have
been transformed into an explosive first step. The high
fives, butt slapping and sportsmanship is what I live
for. Tomorrow we play the prison guards horse; I can't
wait till they see my left-handed hook - crazy Joe style.
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 This
week's hot stock tip is coming in hotter than the hot oysters
Gammy used to make. The blue-chip prospect that you should pore
all of your assets - and I mean all of your assets - into is:
Nick Nolte Inc.
Shares in this Blue Chip company have never been lower. Recently,
the company's P.R. officer was pulled over for erratic driving,
which left the company with a P.R.'s nightmare. To make things
worse, the P.R. officer was slurring, visibly disheveled, and
was wearing a Hawaiian shirt at the time of his arrest. The
mug shot induced panic on Wall Street and consequently shares
in Nolte Inc. decreased 400%. Nick Nolte, CEO of Nolte Inc.,
tried to do damage control. Quickly, he prepared a statement
and issued it to the press. In it he outlined what the future
of Nolte Inc. was. Here is a snippet from the 137-page deposition:
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