Urban Hibernation
I read an article that proposed that the Northern states and Northern regions of the provinces are more svelte than their Southern cosmopolitan counterparts. Now I can't remember the exact percentages, source, propensity for McDonald's binging, or anything else outlined in the study, but that's never stopped me from using hearsay before. In fact, I would like to point out that the Mustache press and the New York Times* are the only two papers in the world where hearsay passes as professional pseudo journalism.

Baby got back to the whole fat issue. There are a lot of proponents of the whole lack of exercise, lifestyle, genetic inclination, and all around crap-ball diet as a fault for fatness theory. To them, I say 'Phooey!' The reason people are fatter than their Southern counterparts is . . . the concealment of the thong. Sure wearing bulky sweaters is all the rage in Eastern Bloc countries, but it's not the rage here in Northern Ontario- it's a necessity. Don't get me wrong, nothing says Euro-fit like the tuxedo thong, but until NorthFace begins production on its Arctic Shimmer, we're all going to be left in the fullback to brave the elements.

Unique? Flamboyant? You Betcha!

If people had to wear, or even consider wearing a thong out in public, I think their self-consciousness would force them to put down their breakfast burrito, pick up the ol' medicine ball, and blast their cottage cheese back on to their bagel where it belongs. Think Miami circa 86, where at last check there wasn't one person over their recommended weight. Sure you could argue that pastels, jet boats, and helicopters have just as much bearing on the slenderness of the people in question, but the association of each object with the male gender would weigh in on the man question. Which is: should men wear thongs? The answer is a resounding - drum roll, please- No.

It is in everyone's best interest that men refrain from wearing thongs. I don't think I need to explain this point in further detail.

Thus, it would appear that it is extremely important for women to wear thongs in order to minimize weight gain; and, men, not having to wear thongs, should be allowed to get as fat as possible. I think that would probably be the essence of the article I can't remember, can't name, and can't be sure existed. In short, to paraphrase the essence, refer to Sisqo's thong song (recommended listening).

* -- A modern miniature racecar driver fanzine that's put out by the good people at Kraft#
# -- A subsidiary of Kraftwerk$
$ -- Not the band but four steel workers^
^ -- The band Kraftwerk

Editors note: People from Eastern Bloc countries are very sexy, intelligent, and by no-means meant to be portrayed in a negative light.