DVD Rental of the Week Glitter Starring: Mariah Carey Director: Mario Carey Executive Producers: Larry Carey, Carey Fischer All that Glitters is Gold, Solid Gold. I have just witnessed possibly the greatest motion picture of all time. Where was I when Glitter was in the theatre? I'll tell you where, missing the greatest motion picture of all time. If you only rent one movie in the next half hour, make sure it is Glitter. Glitter is an ingenious masterpiece that evokes a love so spiritually pure, that you receive a free condom with every rental. Just as 'Kate and Leopold', 'Crossroads' and 'Jason's Lyric' have raised the bar in the past, Glitter continues to push the envelope, expanding and surpassing human comprehension, at which point you will find a use for the free condom. A caution to younger viewers though, there is more hairy ass shots in the first 30 seconds of this movie than in all of 'Jason's Lyric'. The plot revolves around Mariah's characters' rise to superstardom as a singer. I think her character's name was Billie or Winnie. I really didn't catch many names or actual lines spoken by the actors due to the excessive (but brilliant) gum chewing, bubble blowing and smoking. All actors were required to have at least two packs of gum and one cigarette in their mouths at all times. The gum was donated by Wrigleys, who is testing a new brand of gum called Beaumans - 'Guy Watching Gum'. This is where the genius of the movie is born. Almost all communication between characters is done through gum chewing, smoking or singing, sometimes all three (we've all heard the Fat Boys). The plot's journey begins with a young Mariah Carey (played by a Alice Cooper) and progresses quickly to Mariah's womanhood, at which point she is played by a large poodle. The Genius continues in that now you have a dog chewing gum, singing and smoking. Well actually not smoking. Mariah's infrequent appearances only come as the dogs smoking double, but she is brilliant - puff, puff, give. As an aspiring singer Mariah meets a DJ at a club one night. I did catch his name, Dice. Or as Mariah liked to call him 'Deuce', or as he liked to be called 'The Deuce'. The Deuce hears Mariah's demo and is convinced he has a star on his hands. "What is the biggest dream you've ever had", he asks. Mariah (the dog) points to her chest and says, "These!, but my second biggest dream is to play Madison Square Garden". The Deuce explains that beating out Vince Carter as the point guard for the New York Liberty is going to be hard, but believes they can do it. In a touching scene, The Deuce expresses his devotion to Mariah: "The Deuce is solid as a rock. The Deuce will never leave Mariah." Then Mariah kisses The Deuce. Without giving a way too much of the movie, it should be known that Mariah eventually makes it to Madison Square Garden after Vince is cut by the Liberty. If you liked Air Bud then you will love these closing scenes that also put the age old question to rest - poodles or golden retrievers, who is superior on the court? I am currently petitioning to have this movie made into a musical. I have already contacted The Macho Man Randy Savage to star in it as Mariah. Do yourself a favour, don't wait for the musical, see this movie today and realize a Glitter sweet victory. Check out next week's column when I review Pluto Nash. Glitter Sweet Victory.