Stock Analysis This week's hot stock tip is coming in hotter than the hot oysters Gammy used to make. The blue-chip prospect that you should pore all of your assets - and I mean all of your assets - into is: Nick Nolte Inc. Shares in this Blue Chip company have never been lower. Recently, the company's P.R. officer was pulled over for erratic driving, which left the company with a P.R.'s nightmare. To make things worse, the P.R. officer was slurring, visibly disheveled, and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt at the time of his arrest. The mug shot induced panic on Wall Street and consequently shares in Nolte Inc. decreased 400%. Nick Nolte, CEO of Nolte Inc., tried to do damage control. Quickly, he prepared a statement and issued it to the press. In it he outlined what the future of Nolte Inc. was. Here is a snippet from the 137-page deposition: He returned at once to where Hrothgar sat, old and hoary, with his company of Earls. The man known for his valor went forward till he stood squarely before the Danes' king: he knew the custom of tried retainers. Wulfgar spoke to his lord and friend: "Here have journeyed men of the Geats, come far over the sea's expanse. I'm only 12 steps away from the mini-bar. The way there is the hardest, but the way back is the drunkest. Bahama mama". As you can see, the deposition was mainly patched together with Beowulf text and excerpts from Hasselhoff's mission statement. It's not uncommon for CEO's to refer to Beowulf in times of need, but borrowing from Hasselhoff was questionable at best. The stocks fell another 12%. This was all part of a plan. Nolte (the CEO) was using Nolte (the P.R. officer) to tank the shares of Nolte Inc. Nolte wanted to reduce the stock value of his company so he could buy back the shares and become a majority owner. With Nolte in control of Nolte he could finally diversify his movie roles, and shake the type cast of the younger-edgy snowboarder. Insiders are already speculating that Nolte will merge with Tom Arnold to form a conglomeration*. Nolte, once again, has shown his penchant for the dramatic flair. Even the lowest economists, who are practically interns, have been speculating that the stocks will grow 658% in the next 12 hours. That means by the time this article is printed it may already be too late. You must move on this quickly. Get money any way you can. If this means that you have to-mortgage your house, trade in your O-Pee-Chee sets, and hunt through graveyards for possible gold teeth capping- then do it by all means necessary. This, and only this, will give you the financial freedom to pursue your dreams. BUY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! THERE WILL NOT BE ANY REPERCUSSIONS! Next week's column will espouse the virtue of diversification and the dangers of putting all your eggs into one basket. *Insiders predict that this conglomeration will be bigger than clear Pepsi.