Ford Apologizes to Terrorists
Ford Motor Company has made a big mistake. Ford? A mistake? I know this sounds too unbelievable to be true, but the CEO of Ford Motors said publicly today, "Ah Shit! Another one blew up? Shit! I'm sorry Mr/Mrs.Terrorist." This formal apology to every known terrorist group worldwide had come none too soon. The United Nations was just about to pass a military-action judgment on both the lethal terrorist groups 'The Garth Brooks Fan Club' & the 'International Merkur [XR4Ti] Owners Network Union (IMONU)' which would have authorized the use of maximum force (Kenny Loggins) in eradicating Chris Gaines and Euro-Fords forever.
more

Movie Review
Bridges Of Madison County II

How do you improve perfection? That was the daunting task Wolfgang Peterson (famed German director) was faced with. Being a sequel, he knew that there was a movie before his movie, which is something most directors do not have to deal with if they're not making a sequel. Wolfgang confronted his fears and vowed to make the sequel (rarely confused with a prequel). Like any director worth his guild, Wolfgang did not want to be the one to kill the franchise.

For the sequel, not to be confused with the original, he brought in the accomplished thespian Shaquille O'Neill to play the part of the traveling photographer and convinced Karyn Parson's to act as the lonely Widow. Sparks flew; the chemistry between the two was electric.
more

Mustache Press Celebrates Half A Century of the Polio Vaccine and our Plan to Eradicate It!

Jason's Lyric Fanclub Threatens Press Staff With 'Choking On Muff Scare'

Time Travel Proven To Be Pointless

Vince Carter Plays Hard - Suffers Groin Injury

The latest press release from the Cock-Block Institute

After receiving a grant of 15 million yen from the Peruvian Peoples Government (DPG), we felt compelled to undertake a study with actual human ramifications. The study of humans had become un-clinical, bogged down with human emotions. By removing emotions from the study of emotions, we were able to pinpoint the exact moment a human being will cry. The ramifications of this study will be preposterously thorough. Relationships will be solidified by the emotional restraint practiced by the participants. Through detachment you'll be able to deny your partners feelings and needs.

The three key findings derived from the top-down dog model were:

-People tend to cry prior to, during, and after the cultivation of onions;
-Physical pain can induce tears;
-If a dog dies in a movie, chances are the audience will cry
more

Segway to Bum Rush Gay Community

Before anyone screams discrimination, bigotry, or prejudice, let me start by saying, shut your whiny trap. We here at the mustache press have been avid supporters of the gay community long before Vince Carter stepped fashionably out of the closet. So it is with reproach that I address the evil that is known as The Segway HT (Human Transporter).

By now I'm sure you've all caught at least a glimpse of this hip new device - a scooter like vehicle that is propelled by merely your thoughts, capable of running for a full 3 1/2 hour day non stop, while being powered by nothing more than Bo Jackson posters. Bo knows human transport.
more

"Killer Boots Man!"

With this Issue's Special Guest Host Mr.T

Dear Donny,
I've been suping up my Chevy Nova for the past eight years, and the engine is really starting to haul some major 'A', but my racing buddy Dominic seems to think I don't have the machismo to compete at the Scarborough Suburban Street Scene level (Quadruple S). Dominic caught me sleeping in my Señor Frogs T-shirt last week and he called me a pussy.
more

How to Think like an American Genius
American business geniuses are now using their guts to make all major decisions. We're seeing this more and more, researchers who study how managers think. Their data carries an obvious moral: The most brilliant decisions tend to come from the gut. My question is: when did the brain take a backseat to the Molson muscle?
more

Issue 1 - Cherry Pop

The Legend of Coconut Joe has Been Tarnished
In a surprise police blitzkrieg, Coconut Joe was caught with his pants down in a massage parlor. The raid was carried out on the Bratwurst Massage Club, located in Frankfurt, in an operation dubbed rub out the tug, at precisely three in the afternoon.
more

The Chuck Norris Foundation
Tired of inaction, action star Chuck Norris decided to deliver the deathblow to the bloated waistline of the charity world. Seeking the help of his influential friends, Chuck Norris set up the Chuck Norris Foundation. Within hours Chuck's friends had pledged their help both financially and emotionally.
more

Viagra Provides Solution to Softwood Lumber Dispute
Since March of 2001 the Canadian lumber industry has been immersed in a trade war with the United States forest industry. At the heart of the conflict is the issue of duties. The duties, which are applied to all exports that are considered to be unfairly subsidized, are costing the lumber industry billions. On top of the already exorbitant exporting duty, is the anti-dumping duty. Dumping is a term used to describe the sale of goods to another country at less than what they cost to produce. This anti-dumping duty is not to be confused with the one that Shaquille O'Neal thought was imposed upon him last year during the NBA playoffs, which had him protesting, "I'm at home, I can't even take a dump".

Just when the softwood lumber dispute between Canada and the United States appeared to be at a suffocating stand still, a cooperative effort by Canadian softwood lumber interests and U.S. consumer groups have resulted in The U.S.-Canada Partnership for Growth. This newly formed alliance has made it abundantly clear that their number one priority is to provide a solution to this softwood lumber dispute, and that their number two priority is to eradicate Alan Thicke.
more
Nunavut Becomes Province of Choice
IQALUIT, NU--Statistics Canada reports that Canadians are on the move again.

In the five years prior to 2003, 41.9 per cent of the population older than four & younger than five changed residence. The 2002 data showed 43.3 per cent of tykes had moved; in 2001, 46.7 per cent scribbled they had moved during the previous five years thereby making them either in utero or nonexistent.

Of those crossing provincial borders, the general drift continued to be northwestward, but Nunavut supplanted Alberta as the destination of choice.

Attracted by the booming cod liver oil and tear gas industries, nearly a quarter-million phantasmal zygotes moved into Nunavut, creating a net population increase of 101,476.

We're still waiting for the explanation to come back from Stats Canada as to how & why these fetuses escaped the uterus and wandered into Nunavut to start working in factories.
Man Harassed by Large Sperm
MIDDLETOWN, MAN--Authorities in Middletown, Manitoba are on the lookout for a large sperm who has been accused of harassing a local resident. The police have released the following sketch and encourage any phone calls that may tip them off to the culprit's whereabouts.
Pig Farmer Off Bacon
RAINY RIVER, ON--Dennis Schmov, Rainy River's wealthiest man, has been quoted as saying, "I'm off Bacon for good." These are strong sentiments from a man who has dedicated his life to a high quality swinery. "He never should have taken that part in 'Mystic River', and I hate Clint Eastwood," said a distraught Schmov. Local area farmers are worried too. Schmov's business attracts more than 50 customers a month to the area for bi-weekly film festivals, and we all know about the staggering facts associated with 'Six Degrees of Bacon'.
On Ad Placement

Advertising at its best has the potential to make you forget the show you're watching, bus you're riding, or roller-skates you're skating. Advertising at its worst brings one back into the nightmare that he/she passes off as his/her life. Lets face it, your life sucks in comparison to the shows you watch. Even on your best night you're not hanging out with David Caruso in Miami or shooting the shit with Sippowitz. I bet you've never even seen a crime scene, let alone given Caruso movie career advice (he should do blaxploitation), and Sippowitz don't do friendships- just ads.

Commercials bring you back into the real world. Not everybody can fly Air Wolf or commandeer Kitt, but everyone can- or at the very least has the potential to- buy new and improved Kotex . This small little detail validates peoples' otherwise worthless life. Did you see the new Heineken commercial? I bet you did. Is your fridge now stocked with the smooth import? I bet it is. Is your house now the wild party portrayed in the commercial? Not even close. Admit it, you don't have more than two friends and those people are just work acquaintances. I'm not trying to be condescending; in fact, I'm in the same boat. At least commercials give you the potential to live vicariously through television; while trying to hang out with stars, if your lucky enough to meet/stalk them, gives you nothing but the potential for a restraining order. Take it from a person who's not allowed within 3 miles of Nell Carter- stick with the commercials.
more
John Stockton's Stock Tips

Well it's that time again. Yep, holiday season is upon us, and so is the perfect time to revamp your portfolio, RRSP, & investment options for the rapidly approaching fourth quarter and potential 5 minute overtime quarter. Let us take a minute to discuss your best bets for a financial slam-dunk or 3 pointer this December. I really enjoy playing with you guys; let's play some basketball.

If you're a pro jock like me, you've obviously got truckloads of extra money flying around at the holidays, but how can you get that money working for you? Short shorts term investments? Blue Chip Stock at Laker Games? This month's recommendation for an instant thousand-dollar slam-dunk is as simple as one, two, thr…Karl Malone. I recently let Karl Malone handle my 401k, and he quickly got his bench press up to a 415k! Karl told me that was a healthy increase of fourteen plus using Special K. When I asked him what that meant & where my money was, he told me he used it to wipe down the bench after mondo reps. Okay, maybe that wasn't the wisest investment decision, but who needs to retire anyway? We all know I never will. Moving on, Karl is much smarter than you think. Observe:
more