The latest press release from the Cock-Block Institute. After receiving a grant of 15 million yen from the Peruvian Peoples Government (DPG), we felt compelled to undertake a study with actual human ramifications. The study of humans had become un-clinical, bogged down with human emotions. By removing emotions from the study of emotions, we were able to pinpoint the exact moment a human being will cry. The ramifications of this study will be preposterously thorough. Relationships will be solidified by the emotional restraint practiced by the participants. Through detachment you'll be able to deny your partners feelings and needs. The three key findings derived from the top-down dog model were: -People tend to cry prior to, during, and after the cultivation of onions; -Physical pain can induce tears; -If a dog dies in a movie, chances are the audience will cry The first two key findings were easily drained of all emotional content, but the third was difficult to eradicate. Since the beginning of time, Hollywood has depended on dogs and the ability of dogs to develop plots. Case in point, stars come and go, often losing their star status before their respective movie is even released, but dogs are immortalized through their death. Old' Yeller, Beethoven, K-9, and B.J. Wineglass achieved sentimental status higher than their QB rating. The tears multiplied with each death, and slowly but surely emotions crept back into the human psyche. Remember, during this time, people had tear ducts tougher than leather. They had survived the potato famine, depression, and the assassination attempt of Nancy Reagan (her breast was shot clean off; the ensuing cover-up was dubbed 'breast cancer'). Yet, people balled when B.J. Wineglass was snuffed out. Poor B.J. Wineglass. Never no more. We're proud to say that the Cock-Block Institute has nearly eradicated these heart-wrenching scenes from the movies of today. Now, dogs ride surfboards (Blue Crush), are hairy ass doubles (Jason's Lyric), and star in period pieces (K-19: The Widowmaker). Truly, the Institute's greatest achievement would be eliminating the death scene all together. For example, in Training Day, the dog doesn't actually die, albeit he's wheel chair bound, instead he gets at you. This getting at you may be racially charged slang, but at least it's devoid of all emotion. Emotions and feelings have never been deader or more denied. Just check the graph: