Stockton's Stock Tips Well it's that time again. Yep, holiday season is upon us, and so is the perfect time to revamp your portfolio, RRSP, & investment options for the rapidly approaching fourth quarter and potential 5 minute overtime quarter. Let us take a minute to discuss your best bets for a financial slam-dunk or 3 pointer this December. I really enjoy playing with you guys; let's play some basketball. If you're a pro jock like me, you've obviously got truckloads of extra money flying around at the holidays, but how can you get that money working for you? Short shorts term investments? Blue Chip Stock at Laker Games? This month's recommendation for an instant thousand-dollar slam-dunk is as simple as one, two, thr…Karl Malone. I recently let Karl Malone handle my 401k, and he quickly got his bench press up to a 415k! Karl told me that was a healthy increase of fourteen plus using Special K. When I asked him what that meant & where my money was, he told me he used it to wipe down the bench after mondo reps. Okay, maybe that wasn't the wisest investment decision, but who needs to retire anyway? We all know I never will. Moving on, Karl is much smarter than you think. Observe: Just last week I gave Karl $100,000 to investigate leverage ratios for me on my corporations, and then to reinvest that money in whichever corporation had the least chance for times-covered. Guaranteed slam-dunk right? Ah Wrong. Karl came back with a pair of used, signed, Karl Malone Apex 'The Voltage' Action Sneakers. He told me they would add a foot to my vertical leverage ratio. Huh? After hittin' the slopes, I again asked Karl what the hell happened to my hundred grand? He pulled out a chromite beard trimmer and grinned; then he gave me the wink and gun. Genius? Mos Def (I learned Ebonics from Hornacek). If that wasn't enough, a couple of years back Karl was my top advisor and smart money holder on Microsoft Stock of which I owned a boatload. Now this was right in the middle of the whole antitrust lawsuit thing, so I was getting a little nervous. I instructed Karl to look into the ramifications of the Sherman Act and to yank my money if things looked bleak. He showed up a few days later and told me he had yanked my money. "Why? Where's the money?" I asked frantically. "Well," Karl said, "I watched that Sherman Hemsley act, and I liked it." I turned around and nearly fainted. Karl was off the wagon. Completely. He had converted $350,000 of MY Microsoft Stock into pure Rogaine and was sporting the biggest Afro/Beard Combo Wig in the history of humanity (NBA). Unusually striking mind you. Finally, Karl's biggest waste of my money came after the finals in '97. As usual, I was betting against the Jazz, so I made some good money in games five & six. Did you really think I'd miss a free throw with 0.2 seconds left if there wasn't a fix in? Anyway, my instincts told me Karl was the man to assist me with investing my winnings - all $500 000. My contention was that we should use an autoregressive approach. "Autoregressive?" Karl said, "No Problem." Karl disappeared. I kept calling his house and kept getting his machine (not an answering machine). He must have been doing some serious research I thought. Here we go, finally a slam-dunk. As it turned out, the next day I was out walking on the highway and I heard this loud horn honking in the distance. Karl goes speeding by backwards in his brand new 18-Wheeler complete with custom air brushing on the side with a picture of him and his beard trimmers on a motorbike with a skeleton Radio Raheem. Money was flying out the windows like a crime spree getaway - my money. He shouted, "Keep on passing ya stupid cracker!" Oh that Karl - always the joker. So in summation, whatever you do this holiday season, do NOT pass any of your holdings to Karl Malone. If fact, don't even get your money within a 50 km radius of this maniac. He'll probably just buy another button up, cut-off, Lady Stetson blouse for his next cage match with Dennis Rodman & Diamond Dallas Page. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some serious investing to do. Where's that Karl Malone when you need him? "Karl! Karl?"