Segway to Bum Rush Gay Community Before anyone screams discrimination, bigotry, or prejudice, let me start by saying, shut your whiny trap. We here at the mustache press have been avid supporters of the gay community long before Vince Carter stepped fashionably out of the closet. So it is with reproach that I address the evil that is known as The Segway HT (Human Transporter). By now I'm sure you've all caught at least a glimpse of this hip new device - a scooter like vehicle that is propelled by merely your thoughts, capable of running for a full 3 1/2 hour day non stop, while being powered by nothing more than Bo Jackson posters. Bo knows human transport. Maybe you saw it profiled on CNN's alternative lifestyles program "Talk to the Ass". Or maybe you saw the commercial for it that ran during "OZ" (the series based in a prison, where your chances of seeing any heterosexual action are less likely then seeing Bin Laden on "The View"). I saw it during both broadcasts and I also saw it pitched during a Toronto Raptors game - which got me thinking. Who is their target market? Why are 87% of the Toronto Raptors gay? I quickly resolved that the answer to both questions was obvious: the Segway is built exclusively for homosexuals. My first reaction was one of totally disbelief; it must be pure coincidence I thought. But the harsh reality of this conspiracy came crashing down once I attempted to purchase one. I made my purchase inquiry to the Segway head office, located in San Francisco. The Segway sales representative I spoke with quickly informed me that in order to purchase, or own a Segway, I had to meet the following criteria: males - own at least 2 Madonna albums males - must have a subscription to Oprah's magazine "O" females - didn't cry during "Beaches" females - had the "Dirty Dancing" dream, except they played the part of Swayze males - signed petition to have the San Francisco 49ers renamed to the San Francisco Ram males/females - use the word "diva" on a regular basis Why has there not been more public outcry? The world has been revolutionized by an instrument of efficiency and convenience and only the gay community is to reap the benefits? Why shouldn't heterosexuals be privy to the ability of traveling 1.15 times faster than walking, and traveling -.5 times faster up stairs? I am appalled, and just when I thought I now had a use for all of my old Bo Jackson posters (except for my "Bo Knows Tickling" edition, which I will be hanging on to for obvious reasons). To make matters worse, Segway has chosen to flaunt the fact that heterosexuals are excluded from such means of transport. They have already started work on a Segway movie. The "Fast and the Flaming", which was to originally star Vin Diesel, but he wouldn't shed the pounds to clear the maximum weight allowed by a Segway. He had to drop 20 pounds and could have easily achieved that if he had shaved his ass. Instead he proposed that he change his name to Jason Lyric. The producers explained to Vin that didn't solve the weight issue. So where does that leave the heterosexual community? Not to worry, as it would turn out Fisher-Price plans to give Segway a run for it's money in the marketplace. Fisher Price's "Bubble Tractor" is the latest edition to their "Power Wheels" product. However in order to compete with Segway they had to make some minor changes to their original design. Fisher Price had to slow the "Bubble Tractor" down by 9 km/hr, decrease the battery life by 3.5 days, and make the seat a lot more uncomfortable. With these changes now in the production mode, heterosexuals everywhere can look forward to rediscovering the catwalk.