Ford Apologizes to Terrorists Ford Motor Company has made a big mistake. Ford? A mistake? I know this sounds too unbelievable to be true, but the CEO of Ford Motors said publicly today, "Ah Shit! Another one blew up? Shit! I'm sorry Mr/Mrs.Terrorist." This formal apology to every known terrorist group worldwide had come none too soon. The United Nations was just about to pass a military-action judgment on both the lethal terrorist groups 'The Garth Brooks Fan Club' & the 'International Merkur [XR4Ti] Owners Network Union (IMONU)' which would have authorized the use of maximum force (Kenny Loggins) in eradicating Chris Gaines and Euro-Fords forever. Chris Gaines was quoted as saying, "Give me a chance and I'll sing for you love. I have a song for you. To be with you is a dream. I dream of your love." Pure Terror. I'm petitioning to have the military-action judgment reinstated. In any case, this has been almost a full decade of bum-raps for the violent or berserk organization. Car bombing after car bombing were continually linked in the media to militant Islamic groups, Lashkar e-Tayyiba, the Trench Coat Mafia, the Trench Coat, Fadhil, Oatmeal, Oprah (only bombs Suzuki sidekicks), The Laser Base, Norah Street Posse (Chris Harri), as well as hundreds of others. But the irony here is that these bombings weren't terrorist acts at all, these were just ordinary exploding Ford Aerostars. And we all know about the stat line on these beauties right? The following excerpt comes directly from Ford Motors Crash Tests & Assembly Lines with Aerostar models: Vehicle type: front-engine, rear- or four-wheel-drive; 4-door 2-7-passenger van Wheelbase: Highly flammable, Explosive Length/Width: Explosive/Fumes Height: Just Blew Up Horsepower: 40 Ben Johnsons* Curb Weight: Flames & Toxic Smoke Fuel-tank capacity/EPA city mpg: Your family is burning Powertrain: power-pain Cornering: 15-18 Barrel-Rolls per corner Braking: ignites gas tank - don't bother Firestone Tires: Guess what they do Suspension: you hanging upside down from your seatbelt charred (seatbelt also burning) Source of Fuel: Burning Firestone tires (tires useless otherwise) [also, avoid slamming doors, checking the oil, honking the horn, and using the mirrors as they been proven to explode, burn, spontaneously combust, & burn, respectively] But why the propensity for random flare-ups & explosions? Ford was baffled. It took a team of theoretical physicists & Ben Johnson nearly a decade after the discontinuation of the Aerostar line (still no recall) to decipher what was going on. The answer: Ford had invented a product that defied the space-time continuum. For the layman, the Ford Aerostar was too futuristic for the present day, and the blueprints may have actually come from another realm. We all should have known. With it's dandy futuristic Czech-esque styling, sleek cubic-aerodynamic lines (?), Formula-1 speeds (Ben Johnson), and cobra like responsiveness (Destro), we should have seen the writing on the wall --> The Aerostar was not of this dimension. And the fact that it was, was entirely the problem. Our reality was torn wide open in 1986 when Ford introduced its response to the Chrysler corporation minivans of '84. The fact that the space-time rift didn't destroy the universe altogether was directly proportional to the explosions which were a bi-product of the Aerostar existing where it should not have. One could equate such a situation to A.C. Green finding a used condom on the end of his penis. The likely outcome of such an event being that A.C. would spontaneously develop a jump-shot. Impossible. Yet, Swish. The good news, however, is for the people of 2035. This appears to be the first year the 1986 Aerostar could exist in a time where reality could handle it. But be forewarned future consumer/terrorist, this thing gets better every year it's released. I predict pure perfection by 2039 (the 1990 model). And don't worry about the explosions. I'm told, in 2035, Ford will have cut them down by a sixteenth of a percentile. *It was determined in the year 2018 that horsepower was a lousy gauge for effective strength (33,000 foot-pounds per minute) since all vehicles greatly surpassed this amount. Upon further investigation, it was then determined that Canadian Super Sprinter Ben Johnson was the most powerful being in existence (33 Billion foot-pounds per second) hence the change from 'horsepower' to 'benjohnsons'. Note - the Aerostar topped out at 50 benjohnsons (the highest of any vehicle not capable of time travel {or was it?}).