10 Years of... Donny, I have an embarrassing medical condition that is really hurting my chances of skanking anyone or anything for my entire High School career. You see, whenever I get close to a woman, or a really cute guy, my ass swells and it really freaks people out. Now I don't mean that it just throbs a bit, I mean it fills up with either water or air (I have no idea which actually) to about the size of a bean bag chair - and spare me any J-Lo smack 'cause I've heard it all. I've been called Fatter Albert, Fatbert, Fatbot, as well as Kelsey Grammer. It's all very embarrassing. And the worst part is, sometimes it swells up for no reason whatsoever. My father and I went to see the movie 'Babe' and it swelled up during one of the barnyard romps. My dad thought I was getting turned on and was coughing & screaming, but I don't even like barnyard romps! I swear. Donny, if I don't skank anything soon, I'll never learn all the proper techniques and etiquette for skanking. What should I do? Signed, Jules Albert Conception Bay South, NF Fatbot, this is not uncommon as your body is going through changes. You've probably been noticing clumps of hair where there were only skid marks before. Believe me, everybody's ass does weird things. My advice to you is, stop worrying about it and do what everybody else does - find yourself an ALF doll with the tongue still intact and skank away. You'll probably find that ALF skanks better than most broads your age anyway, or in your case skanks better than most talking pigs, ibexes, or donkeys. -Donny Donny, I love turtles! Everything turtles - the candy, the turtleneck shirt, turtle heads (aka the human bingo dabber), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, snapping turtles, Dana Carvey, and the tortoise & the hair. "Slow and Steady wins the race," I aways say. I copy turtles whenever possible. But because I do things very slowly as a turtle would, I find it hard to find a partner with the patience required to enjoy my love making. I'm really slow man. I average one pump per twenty minutes! It even takes me twenty minutes to 'pull out' which renders that form of birth control meaningless. Most women don't have a long weekend to give up for what I consider a quickie, so what can I do? Keep in mind that the one woman that managed to go the distance with me actually exploded. I rocked her bro! Signed, Winston T. Denzil, SK Winston, we suffer from the same disorder except I'm the exact opposite. I once pumped a chick before she even got into the room. I average about twenty pumps per nanosecond. Dude, I look like a damned hummingbird! My advice to you is, don't tell her that she's in for a long weekend of slow-mo banging; rather, call me up and we'll slam that box Bushwacker style - I get to be Butch. -Donny Donny, my name is Vi Broski. I can't escape my name. Everywhere I go, once I introduce myself, people make the noise, "Bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrr" like a vibrator. I don't get it? My name isn't even a homonym for vibrator, yet it's gotten so bad that I went down to city hall to change my name, but was met with the usual, "Bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrr". I'm going crazy. Is there any way to apply for a name change via mail? or can you recommend a nickname or something? Please advise. Signed, Vi Broski Assumption, AB Vi Broski, I think you should co..., "Bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrr". -Donny