Dolphin Army Faces Stiff Competition From Gerbil Special Forces I was as stunned as the rest of the world, when last week the American Army leaked information of its special Dolphin division based in San Diego. Apparently these dolphins have laser capabilities, unbelievable surveillance skills, and possess an uncanny capability of infiltrating tuna nets. Sounds a little too good to be true, right? Wait, it gets better. In fact, the Dolphin Division has successfully placed dolphins in covert operations throughout marine parks around the United States and Euro-Disney (although it is rumoured that the Euro-Disney dolphin had blown his cover with a series of off-colour Frenchie jokes that could only have been American). This is a cost-effective strategy in today's billion-dollar terror game. On paper it looks like the perfect security system, but like any security system there always seems to be a catch that allows Martin Lawrence to terrorize Danny Devito. Unfortunately, the one thing that defines the dolphins and sets them apart from the rest - their superpowers - may be the one thing that leads to the downfall of the United States. Ever since the sitcom sweeps of September 11 - when they introduced that new sitcom entitled Ground Zero - American patriotic fever has been at an all time high. Thus, it is important that one does not become complacent and expect the dolphins to provide total homeland security. In fact, one must heed the warnings professed by Olindo Mare (junior reigning freelance dolphin sanitation engineer), which is mainly: 'Ask not what the dolphins can do for you, but ask what the hell other animals are part of special units?' For many this one simple question would be a huge improvement over their daily questions regarding faith, Faith Hill, and Burt Reynolds' sexuality. As a qualifier to that question, one must follow this rational, mainly: If the stealth bomber was invented in the 1970's and was not introduced until the early 1990's, then by that timeline dolphins must have been in training as early as the 1930's. Therefore, animal super units could be multiplying right beneath our very noses'. There might even have been some signs, where the U.S. leaked minor information hoping to test the waters. Some such signs could have been Critters (the movie), Seeing Eye dogs, and the San Diego Padres. These are all very questionable ifs and have not been confirmed by press time. The one confirmed super unit of animals that the mustachepress can report on without fear of litigation is- Gerbils. The super secretive operations of the Gerbils have enjoyed the benefit of flying beneath the radar, which maintains the secrecy needed to prevent complacency regarding homeland security. Consider the Gerbils that colonized Richard Gere's ass. To the naked eye they would appear to be Richard Gere's own private tools of pleasure, as the U.S. government would have the public believe, but in actuality they are highly trained government super ninja Gerbils. The Gerbil special unit, mainly chief constable Lance, has scoped Gere's ass spying on his highly publicized meetings with the Tibetan and Chinese governments. This covert operation has allowed the American government to gather top-notch information regarding communist activity and other pseudo-homosexual entertainers who are red sympathizers, all while providing Richard Gere with decades of stimulation. This still does not shed any new light on the shark like mentality of the 1980's.