ASIMO - Close, but no Cigar Smoking Austrian Cyborg When one hears the name Honda, they typically associate it with Honda Motor Company - car manufacturer, who is typically associated with rust. Well Honda has plans to change that perception, and if all goes as planned, when you hear the name Honda you'll think ASS (or ASIMO, which is the preferred monicker of Honda's marketing director, Licther Poostane). Introducing ASIMO, the world's most advanced humanoid robot (not to be confused with Spike Lee's new movie, Ass: Some Mo). In 1986 Honda set out to develop a robot that could coexist with humans. Their initial focus was to develop its intelligence and mobility. Well 17 years later, Honda has unveiled their much anticipated ASIMO, and I take it back, you should confuse it with Spike Lee's new movie. To date, the evolution of the robot has proven tedious. Previous uninspiring, milestones include: Battle Bots, a television show pitting past and future stars of the trench coat mafia against one another, in a no holds barred remote controlled car, sumo match. Oprah, a talk show, hosted by a robot whose makeup needs to be changed, on both it's faces, every 15 minutes. The two faces are necessary as an option for Oprah, depending on how black she wants to come off on any particular day. Her two options are Chuck D black and Arsenio white. The View, a talk show hosted by robots that were modeled after Oprah, but suffer a race chip defect. Engineers have named the defect 'neapolitan syndrome'. You can now add another overpriced paperweight to that list of under achievers. ASIMO stands about 3.5 feet tall and weighs approximately 94 pounds. It can walk up stairs, wave, recognize human faces, as well as recite all of Japan's most popular expressions. Not to worry though, the brainwaves at Honda have translated all of ASIMO's phrases to English. Here are a few of my favorites: "my face is shiny, why am I so embarrassing?" "I am seeking an international child" "where do my parents live?" Apparently the most impressive breakthrough with ASIMO is it's 3d walking capability. I've seen this thing walk. It stalks around like a constipated pick pocket, hoping to snag some wire cutters so it can put itself out of it's misery. Why am I being so hard on ASIMO, because this is nothing new. Hasn't anyone seen Terminator I, II or III. Almost two decades ago, a visionary by the name of James Cameron, permitted the world a glimpse into the future of artificial intelligence. He was the genius who brought us the Terminator movies. Cameron's robots make ASIMO look like nothing more than a Vince Carter's Mexican sized hamster remover. Where Honda went wrong: ASIMO speaks English and Japapese, where the robots of the future will need to sound more like an Austrian speaking English, while undergoing involved dental surgery. ASIMO's outer casing is white and shiny. Robots of the future have tanned leather faces and accessorize with all black leather and sunglasses. ASIMO can walk approximately 3 miles per hour, while robots of the future prefer to travel on Harley Davidson motorcycles. ASIMO has no known relatives. All robots of the future are spawn from their twin brother Danny Devito. So Honda, I hope you are listening. I am not suggesting you go back to the drawing board, but instead pick up where others have left off. In an age where Emmitt Smith and Alf sell us long distance plans, I'm sure you can come up with something more imaginative. How about a robot that Vince Carter can use to remove hamsters.