Europeans Injured in Jump to Adolescence
Milton (AP). Absconding from pre-pubescence into adolescence, once a right of passage for the young European, has been somewhat diminished by the success of the Culkin family. With so many North American children (e.g. the Culkin kids, especially Rory) achieving astronomical success many years prior to their leap into adolescence, the pressure for European kids to measure up has nearly tripled.

Now, if the Europeans had learnt anything as a collective, they would have realized that it wasn't possible to get it all back in one swing. Derfla and his spaghetti flow charts realized this, but did not comprehend the full severity of the situation. He recognized that as external pressure increased, the potential for reaction jumped exponentially. Reaction, or namely the potential for reaction, acts as a catalyst for change. This was labeled as react juice on the chart, which fell under the transitional period from puberty to man-voice. The transitional period is a gray area (exact moment between pre-pubescence and adolescence), but nonetheless a gray area that has to be flogged into submission.

Flog they did. The off-black area was beaten into submission with a healthy dose of tight jeans and good clean skiing fun. Sounds perfect, case closed, Nouveau Europeans were sure to make the flamboyant jump into adolescence, right? Unfortunately the tight jeans and narrow-ski-stance favoured by the Nouveau Europeans has led to a rash of injuries. Eyewitness accounts confirm that the tight jeans hamper the Nouveau European's ability to spread eagle, to the point that they could never hope to achieve the proper air required to successfully land the aforementioned maneuver.

Derfla, while allowing for the react juice, failed to account for the danger factor of spread eagles. The Nouveau Euros- spreading without the prescribed air - were consistently landing in the split position, which had the undue effect of splitting them in two. Unfortunately, their one-piece ski suits would mask the fact that they had been split in two and the hot pastel colours would neutralize the blood to the point of magenta. Conversely, although nobody would argue against the stylish mystique of the one-piece, the risk of masked diagnosis (complete camouflage of the elongated camel toe) is too huge to comprehend. Naturally everyone ends up assuming that each victim is merely wearing hyper-colour as his or her snowsuit changes from soft orange to magenta.

In short, spread eagles are killer and avoid making a stylish jump into adolescence.