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SARS
Faces Off with New Mystery Illness
The World Health Organization (WHO) thought it was
in the grip of an epidemic: thousands of cases,
hundreds of deaths, hospitals closed, airports quarantined,
911 lines jammed, all at the thought of another
baseball season - not to mention, at the same time
& to a lesser degree, what was being called
Acute Respiratory Syndrome in China (now SARS).
Up until now, SARS has been considered a credible
biological threat to the world population, but as
of last week, SARS has taken a back seat to an even
deadlier viral infection.
First reported in the Medicine Hat Herald on April
14th, Michael Jordan was reported sticking up a
local Beaver gas station at 3:14 am. Local law enforcement
teams viewed the security tape 139 times before
dismissing the incident as a hoax (mostly because
his gun was pink).
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The Metamorphosis
vs. Marv's Story: Show Me and then
give me the Panties
The Metamorphosis, Kafka's wonderful
novel about complacency, disease, and contempt
for the downtrodden is an apt metaphor for
society's treatment of Marv Albert.
Like Gregor Samsa, the main character of
the aforementioned novel, Marv Albert woke
up one morning and found out that he had
been transformed into a giant insect. Of
course Gregor Samsa had not done anything
out of the ordinary to hasten his transformation
from family provider, brotherly mentor,
and conscientious worker into a giant bug;
whereas, Marv Albert had bit his lover on
the buttocks, wore panties, and was forced
to unceremoniously admit to wearing a toupee
(something that was never suspected).
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Widespread Scholastic
Bullying Targeted
In a recent study, pupils as young as 6
were shown to be on the receiving end of
some of the worst bullying in recent history.
In the first study of its kind to ask youngsters
about bullying, researchers at the University
of Kenora found that 60% of students between
grades 1-6 reported being bullied either
verbally or physically. Physically, the
students were subjected to the usual: kicks,
blocks, punches, wedgies, rear-admirals,
atomic wedgies, David Robinsons, snow jobs,
& other odd jobs. Verbally, though,
seems to be where the most damage is taking
place. Taunts such as: Gas Station of Love,
Robin Williams, David Robinson, Mrs. Robinson,
Robin Robinson, & Swiss Family Robinson,
have crushed childrens' spirits as well
as their motivation for class participation
& learning in general.
Applied psychology professor Christine Robinson
was quoted as saying, "I had my fair
share of rear-admirals in grade school,
but I don't know what I'd do if I was called
Mrs. Robinson? I would probably go insane
and start snarling at everyones' groins."
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Junk
Yard Dog Buries His Bone In Business' Back Yard
 Dat
dog has done it again! The NYSE, which hasn't seen this
much action since the marshmallow man nearly destroyed
it two years ago, was awakened from its slumber by the
barking and foaming mouth of Jerome 'Junk Yard Dog' Williams.
Citing supreme market research, JYD pinpointed the exact
fall of religion and marked his territory - religious
wristbands - for his next business venture. The wristbands,
for several seasons now, have been En Vogue amongst today's
hottest athletes: NBA players; women tennis players (synonymous
with Vince Carter); and WNBA players (also synonymous
with Vince Carter). But with the religious wristbands
sporting a passé message (e.g. What Would Jesus
Do), it was clearly time to give the wristbands a splash
of the JYD. Now, instead of WWJD, the wristbands read
WWJYDD, which loosely translates into 'Who Would Junk
Yard Dog Do'. Ruff! Bark!
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Homeland
Security Warning Upgraded to Black
WASHINGTON (MP): In a move that shocked none (except Joe
Momma), John Ashcroft upgraded the terror warning from
orange to black. Apparently, average Americans' were not
responding to the orange coding, with most reveling in
the soothing and calming effect of the orange hue. Ashcroft
felt that black was more conducive to inciting fear, considering
that most American's live in constant fear of black men
and their Johnsons'†.
In order to provide proof to an increasingly skeptic public,
Ashcroft immediately arrested Raghib 'The Rocket' Ishmael
and Quadry 'The Missle' Ishmael on suspicion of harbouring
weapons of mass destruction.
Immediately, civil liberty watchdogs noted - with a paisley
level of irony - that it was in fact the U.S. who had
provided the training for 'The Rocket' in the early nineties
only to have him defect to Canada*.
†Total
generalization, in fact most Americans' have accepted
their smaller genitalia in relation to the Afro-American
Richard, but still fear Arsenio's stand-up.
*There is
now an asterisk beside his name and the single season
rouge record he set in 1996. |
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Jesus
Voted off of Survivor 7
BANGKOK (MP): Sick and tired of his 'preachy' attitude,
the Asimo Tribe voted Jesus off the hit reality show.
As Jesus' torch was extinguished, he vowed that this would
only make him a martyr and even more popular within the
60-63 demography. Producers were scared that he would
unleash a plague or smite the Portuguese - again, but
as of press time, nothing had happened.
Lance Carruthers, head of the Asimo Tribe, organized the
coup-de-tat, saying: "Jesus Christ, that Jesus guy
was useless. He claimed to be a carpenter, but all he
constructed were these shitty crosses. Quite frankly he
was a liability, what with all his- 'the meek shall inherit
the earth' - type shit."
Mary, Jesus' virgin girlfriend, was inconsolable (although,
it is unclear whether or not she was crying because she
was a virgin) when she found out that Jesus was voted
off. She tried to bum-rush Lance, screaming that it was
he who wouldn't let Jesus live in peace. Lance, unfazed,
mimed a B.J. at her, while Jesus held her back. |
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Jesus
Back on Survivor
BANGKOK (MP): In a surprise twist, Jesus resurrected himself
and forced his way back on to the reality show. Despite
regaining the 60-63 demography, producers were uncertain
with what to do with the bearded virgin. One Producer,
under condition of anonymity, worried that the reemergence
of Jesus would stop potential viewers from submitting
themselves to the altered reality of reality shows, and,
instead, submit themselves to the altered reality of religion.
In other news, the Portuguese were vanquished with extreme
prejudice. In fact, Portugal is now a subsidiary of Starbucks.
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Hairdresser
Miffed That Everyone Thinks He's Gay
LITTLE MILAN (MP): Young Charles (he dropped his last
name Butkowski) has worked the day shift at the Velvet
Curtain Salon for almost three years now without a hitch.
He has always considered himself a hit with the elderly
clientele, but recently, mainly on lunch breaks, he has
begun to notice snickers from various people (99.9 % of
whom are of the male persuasion). It all started one afternoon,
while buying a Diet Tab, someone said that he was a little
light in the penny loafers.
This was extremely troubling, considering all of the turmoil
within the world, that people would stoop low enough to
question someone's sexuality based on his or her
profession and/or taste in penny loafers. With that in
mind, we here at the Mustache Press encourage Charles
Butkowski to drop the charade and admit his full-fledged
homosexuality. Only then will he be able to enroll in
a de-homosexualizing program that can cure him of the
disease obviously brought on by playing with dolls and
mothers.
If you are a male hairdresser - don't worry - there
is no need to fret. In fact this was an isolated incident,
and, rest assured, your profession will always be considered
one of the most dangerous in the world. |
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Half
Time Shows -  A
Lost Art?
What ever happened to quality halftime shows? It seems,
nowadays, you can't have a halftime show without at least
15 to 65 performers on stage per 30 seconds each lip-syncing
a cover of "I Will Survive". But don't book
Gloria Gaynor, like the NBA did, because it will take
four movers & three dollies to get her off the stage.
This is the problem that halftime show promoters &
organizers run into every year; with 88% of all performers
technically classified as 'hyper-obese', how do we get
these performers on & off the field in time to resume
the gaming?
In the late seventies, Aretha Franklin was a popular halftime
show performer. She played the Super Bowl, the World Series,
the World Cup, & the Nordic Games without the aid
of other acts, an air band, or Team Nigeria's boycott.
But if you were to book the 'Queen of Soul' now, well,
you would need 2 wire rope hoists, 1 overhead crane, 1
powerhouse crane, & 1 flatbed trailer and/or barge.
These types of industrial apparatus are simply too costly
& time consuming for a 4 minute halftime show. So
how do we deliver the acts people want, without the overhead,
waste products, & industrial machinery required to
do so?
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R.
v. Dudley and Stephens
(1884), 14 Q.B.D. 273 (C.C.R.)
 INDICTMENT
for the murder of Richard Parker on the high seas within the
jurisdiction of the Admiralty.
At the trial before Huddleston B., at the Devon and Cornwall
Winter Assizes, November 7, 1884, the jury, at the suggestion
of the learned Judge, found the facts of the case in a special
verdict which stated:
That on July 5, 1884, the prisoners, Thomas Dudley and Edward
Stephens, with one Brooks, all able-bodied English seamen, and
the deceased also an English boy, between 17 and 18 years of
age, the crew of an English ship, a registered English vessel,
were cast away in a storm on the high seas 1600 miles from the
Cape of Good Hope, and were compelled to put into an open boat
belonging to the said ship.
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Hot
Stock Tips
 Important:
Rhubarb leaves are poisonous. Cut the stalk at the base of the
leaf and discard the leaves (or go ahead & eat them - I
don't care).
However, your friends may want to use the discarded leaves to
imitate a stupid Pterodactyl (see fig.1).
There are two types of Rhubarb. The most common has a reddish
stalk, while the semcond has a white stalk with light pinkish
colouring and streaking. Their taste is the same: puke-like.
Grow a few of each to test the puke flavour.
Rhubarb can be picked in the spring as soon as the stalks are
large enough to harvest in sufficient quantity for the recipe
you are planning to use. May we suggest the following recipe:
2 Rhubarb Stalks
1 Ru-Paul's Stalk
1 Barb
Mix Rhubarb, Ru-Paul, & Barb, until desired consistency
is acheived. At this point, you should be ready to puke. |
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Be
One and Unite Nervous Treed Yaks
 So
you've recently watched the James Bond Series, XXX, and
the Good Burger Trilogy (Meatballs, Good Burger, and Basic Instinct)
all in one night. At first glance, it's not only apparent
that you have a voracious movie appetite, but that you also
possess a high school diploma, which obviously points you towards
- as any high school guidance counselor worth his/her balls
would indicate - one, and only one, profession: a spy. First
things first, you've got to get your hands on a fake passport,
otherwise you can forget about all plans of international intrigue,
bi-coastal romps, and international house of pancakes. Here
laid out before your eyes is the 6 easy steps to obtaining a
fake passport:
1. Get the proper passport application from your nearest government
agency;
2. Fill out the application forms and get passport photos (very
important);
3. Have a notary public sign your forms;
4. Pay the $90 application fee;
5. Wait the 5-10 business days for the application to be processed;
6. Pick up passport and apply 'fake' name generated
by old Skaf's price-gun over real name.
 Unequivocally,
you are now ready to embark on an international career of espionage.
In fact, as your brilliant 'fake' passport attests,
your new name is Senor Steve Sanders, and as Senor Steve Sanders
you can enjoy the bounty of bountiful subterfuge. This article
has been brought to you buy Bounty chocolate bars. Buy Bounty
chocolate bars! |
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Movie
Review 
Unless
you have been living under a rock
for the last 4 months, it is likely
you have heard of LeBron James. Of
course if you have been living under
"The Rock" for the last
4 months then you have probably inherited
the nickname "The Oral Damn".
LeBron James is a 6 foot 8, 17 year
old who is taking the basketball world
by storm, and in the process making
a name for himself off the court by
taking an active role in raising money
for various charities.
Always
wear your Ninja Iron Claw - Sharp
as Tekagi - See beyond. Store shurikens
in your butt pocket. Wrap them in
wax paper to avoid aggravating your
hemorrhoid while dancing. All ninja
love to dance, so wear your supportive
Ninja Boot (Tabi) like an aerobics
instructor. Carry smoke bombs when
attending any social functions or
for nights out on the town. Blowing
a smoke bomb at the club will allow
you to lean against the bar with the
all the swagger of having your own
portable demaurier disco smoke machine.
Plus, your mask and black outfit will
attract all the foxy snatch 'cause
you're just so damn mysterious. Show
them your Ninja Iron Claw & illustrate
to them just how sharp Tekagi can
be! Use your special Ninja River Breathing
Reed to sniff her butt or quickly
drink her cocktail while she's trying
to understand what the hell Tekagi
is. Tell them you know Dudikoff from
way back.
Despite
the results of my grueling 4 hour
interview with a tuna can, it appears
that debris does tell stories. NASA
- through the careful analysis of
the Challenger wreckage - has been
able to piece together the important
information necessary to make an educated
guess on which astronaut was most
popular. Well, it looks like William
McCool won in a posthumous landslide.