MUSTACHE PRESS Q & A What Type of Man are you? Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Are you prone to throwing hissy fits or are you prone to throwing people through windows? Obviously, a decent and reliable indicator would be your rap sheet, but sometimes one escapes the billy club of the law, so how do you know what type of man you are? Easy, just take the test. By answering 5 simple questions and tallying your score, you'll be able to determine what kind of man you are, and, unlike those crapshoot pregnancy tests – which don't even tell you if the kid is Puerto Rican or not - this test is 100% accurate. 1. Four people abreast are walking down the street. When you approach them, do you: a) Get Alonzo or Patrick to bag each and every one of them, thus clearing an open path for you. b) Duck into the nearest Lamaze class and offer to help a single mother with her breathing technique. c) Record the ethnicity of each person walking towards you - upgrading the terror level in proportion to the number of turbans. 2. At the supermarket, you're about to pull into a 10 items or less line, when a Nun with a full cart cuts in front of you, do you: a) Have Dikembe use his patented elbows on the Penguin's larynx. b) Offer to help bag her zucchini and Vaseline, while quietly asking how J.C. is doing. c) Turn to the other patrons and exclaim that this person is single handedly bringing the terrorists to their knees by shopping and supporting the economy. 3. During fornication your old lady screams somebody else's name, do you: a) Who cares what you do. Patrick, Alonzo, and the Junk Yard Dog get you more groupie action then you could shake a stick at. b) Pretend you didn't hear it and keep focusing on the dead babies to avoid premature ejaculation. c) Next question. You're too busy thinking about Bin Laden to be Bin Laying pipe. 4. You've been at your job for six years, paid your dues, and finally it looks like you're going to get that promotion; when, suddenly, the boss decides to give the job to Jose - the less skilled kiss ass from accounting. Do you: a) Install a 2-3 zone at Jose's house. With Patrick firmly planted in Jose's driveway, there's no way Jose will ever get into work, again. b) Talk shit behind Jose's back to the immigrant janitor that doesn't know English, but give high fives and warm congratulations (reach around) to Jose every time you do see him in person. c) Talk to one of your friends at immigration. Turns out Jose's great, great, great grandmother didn't take the time to fill out the SP-IC form, so you deport his ass out of the country. 5. Your new girlfriend is coming over for dinner and you have about 10 minutes to spare, do you: a) Pick out your best towel to throw over your shoulder. b) Check the quiche, scrub the toilet one last time, and call your mother to tell her you think that she's 'the one.' c) Plan how you're going to debrief her that her bush has replaced North Korea in the Axis of Evil and that invasion is imminent. Time to tally your score. If you even had one 'A' for an answer, then you're John Thompson. You can quietly reflect on your manly status as a winning coach and look forward to delivering shitty commentary for the rest of your short life. Now if your answers were predominantly 'B', then you should cease and desist from reading this website and assume your new role as Paul Riser. Finally, you get a 'D' as in Donald Rumsfeld if any of your answers were 'C'. You're the worst type of man, the kind of man that leads the world to the brink of disaster - just to get some oil to lube the Bush. Now if you've taken the test and you're still unclear on what type of man you are, don't worry, because either way you're a pussy for taking this test. In fact, all signs* point to yes that your kid will end up Puerto Rican. *Confirmed by in house Ouiji board, magic 8 ball, and random chicken bones