SARS Faces Off with New Mystery Illness The World Health Organization (WHO) thought it was in the grip of an epidemic: thousands of cases, hundreds of deaths, hospitals closed, airports quarantined, 911 lines jammed, all at the thought of another baseball season - not to mention, at the same time & to a lesser degree, what was being called Acute Respiratory Syndrome in China (now SARS). Up until now, SARS has been considered a credible biological threat to the world population, but as of last week, SARS has taken a back seat to an even deadlier viral infection. First reported in the Medicine Hat Herald on April 14th, Michael Jordan was reported sticking up a local Beaver gas station at 3:14 am. Local law enforcement teams viewed the security tape 139 times before dismissing the incident as a hoax (mostly because his gun was pink). Later reported by the Medicine Hat "Live-At-Five News" broadcast, Michael Jordan was reported cheating at a local casino as the security tape clearly showed Jordan tipping over a Cruisin' USA arcade machine & pocketing the tokens. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police immediately contacted the Washington D.C.P which quickly cleared Jordan of the charges - he was busy dropping 21 pts on the knicks on the 14th, and was busted tipping over a different Cruisin' USA machine on the next night in question. This led Canadian officials into a whirlwind of finger pointing & turmoil as case after case were reported from coast to coast leaking into the United States. With the makings of an international incident, all applicable Government Agencies were called into action. The most astonishing findings were made by Health Canada. Tracing a biological strain of the sweat sock variety back to a change room bench at the local Fitness Centre, Health Canada scientists were able to isolate a mutated, highly contagious, form of Athlete's Foot which has now been proven to be the deadly...Athlete's Face. This remarkable discovery probably would have gone unnoticed had one of the scientists not awoken to screams of horror as her husband was shocked to find he was sleeping with Al Iafrate. It all started making sense. The unusual claims that: Elvis Stoiko was seen loitering in a 55+ Centre men's' washroom, Ben Johnson was the starting center for the Los Angeles Sparks, Carl Lewis got dead last in an elementary school track meet, Elvis Stoiko exposed himself to Bryan Boitano, O.J. Simpson was seen stabbing two people to death, and Atikokan was completely quarantined for being an entire town of Jeff Gordons (all unsubstantiated Athlete's Face cases). As of print time, there have been no found cures, however, infected individuals have said that strip clubs, cocaine, & spousal abuse have eased some of the pain & itching associated with Athlete's Face. Health Officials have also discovered another, less flattering, mutated strain of Athlete's Face currently being toted as simple "Face" as the number of Cecil Fielders, Craig Stadlers, Vince Carters, WNBA Rosters, & Jeremy Roenicks seems to be increasing. Polls show the population to be much more afraid of this new mortifying strain.