Widespread Scholastic Bullying Targeted In a recent study, pupils as young as 6 were shown to be on the receiving end of some of the worst bullying in recent history. In the first study of its kind to ask youngsters about bullying, researchers at the University of Kenora found that 60% of students between grades 1-6 reported being bullied either verbally or physically. Physically, the students were subjected to the usual: kicks, blocks, punches, wedgies, rear-admirals, atomic wedgies, David Robinsons, snow jobs, & other odd jobs. Verbally, though, seems to be where the most damage is taking place. Taunts such as: Gas Station of Love, Robin Williams, David Robinson, Mrs. Robinson, Robin Robinson, & Swiss Family Robinson, have crushed childrens' spirits as well as their motivation for class participation & learning in general. Applied psychology professor Christine Robinson was quoted as saying, "I had my fair share of rear-admirals in grade school, but I don't know what I'd do if I was called Mrs. Robinson? I would probably go insane and start snarling at everyones' groins." Those aged 6 to 9 -- Grades 1 to 3 -- experienced similar patterns of bullying. Thirty per cent said they were both physically and verbally abused, 13 per cent said they were verbally bullied and 9 per cent complained of being physically attacked or having their groins' snarled at. Prof. Beran, the foremost leading playground consultant, said Canadian playgrounds do not just need extra supervision to curb bullying, they require the implementation of a strict and focused professional wrestling regimen. He recommended the re-institution of the most frightening wrestler to ever walk the continent: the Fabulous Moolah. In the one (failed) trial run, Moolah had the kids walking in single file, saying please and thank you, wearing top hats & gowns, and even miraculously convinced 37% of the kids to listen to David Robinson say anything. And, unbelievably, this was all achieved simply by her revealing half of her face from behind a curtain - no words were actually spoken. Members of the PTA are against the reinstitution, calling Fabulous Moolah more harm than bullying, but Beran insists that seeing Moolah in her sequined jacket & teal leotard will have a turtle-shell effect on the student populous probably extending well into their adolescence thereby cutting down (or wiping out) teenage intercourse. Prof. Beran applauded efforts of municipal governments to implement other bylaws that could utilize Fabulous Moolah.