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Roy
Horn Bit by his own Emasculated Tiger
Is there a danger in being overtly heterosexual?
Well until the recent turn of events, I would've
said an emphatic no; that is until Roy Horn was
savagely attacked to within an inch of his life.
Roy Horn - one half of the macho duo Siegfried &
Roy - was recently assaulted by a tiger in his popular
Las Vegas act. During the show, on his birthday
nonetheless, the tiger attacked Roy Horn, biting
his neck, head, and groin regions. It appears that
the only thing that saved him was the fact that
he wasn't a pencil neck geek. It's a testament
to modern medicine and science, ah fuck it, it's
a testament to Roy Horn's overt heterosexuality/masculinity
that he didn't die. Roy Horn lost over a quarter
of his skull and 100% of his unitard. As it stands
now, Roy Horn is on life support; and, his shredded
groin has been removed and placed into a hyperbaric
chamber.
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Ben Johnson
Proven to be the Internet
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O.J. Simpson
declares bankruptcy - sells
bozack for $75
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Bush,
despite what is name implies,
is quite well shaven in his
nether regions
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Boy trapped
in refrigerator denies upper
thighs looking very tasty
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Chewbacca
admits to feeling typecast
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Shawn Kemp Detained
for Questioning
 Under
the auspices of the homeland security
act basketball superstar Shawn Kemp
has been arrested, detained, and sent
to Guantanamo Bay. Clearly he fit the
profile of a terrorist: he's dark-skinned…well
he's dark skinned and frankly the US
still hasn't got a clue where Osama's
hiding out. Naturally, Shawn Kemp and
his growing terror cell- said to number
thirteen strong- became a prime target.
Although the US government has yet to
publicly charge Kemp, one can only speculate
on the extent of his crimes. Speculation
being synonymous with honest journalism,
his rap sheet includes such heinous
crimes as: being an evildoer; aiding
Kosovites, and propagating subibibinal
messages meant to incite other dark
skinned people/terror cells.
The Orlando Magic are excited about
Shawn Kemp's detention in Guantanamo
Bay and hope that the time spent in
a metal box will trim his waistline. |
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Life Coach Pulls
Little Billy Out of the Game
 In
a shock to no one who actually knew
little Billy, his life coach, Dakota,
encouraged and made sure little Billy
committed suicide. Billy had been at
odds with life his whole life; and,
as a last ditch effort he hired a life
coach to coach him back into, as the
cocksure urbanite would say, the mix.
Even with advanced life coaching, Billy
was unable to foster any sense of comedic
timing, hygiene, or urban brashness,
all of which are prerequisites of the
cocksure society prevalent in today's
day and age.
Despite the fact that Billy's life
coach, parents, non-friends, or neighbours
didn't particularly care that Billy
committed suicide, nonetheless, his
suicide did send ripples through out
the life-coaching world. People began
questioning whether or not life coach's
had become too cocksure for their own
good. Had, Dakota, widely regarded as
a top-notch (cocksure) life coach, over-stepped
his boundaries in the prescription of
Billy's suicide? Was Dakota playing
God by taking Billy's life into
his own hands? Would rational thinking
be totally replaced by cocksure bravado?
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Parents concerned
that wireless classrooms harming children
Parents of students in an Illinois district
are suing the school board over the use
of wireless network technology in classrooms,
alleging that the exposure to radio waves
may be damaging the students' bodies.
The plaintiffs, including the PTA, the PYT,
the students, the students' bodies, the
students' body president, the student body
president, & the president, are also
looking into suing other harmful technologies.
The students seem united in their effort.
One student, Ray Bork, was quoted as saying,
"oh yeah. I feel funny." Everyone
began laughing. One of the students' bodies
was then questioned, and after extensive
translation and
decoding, the following message was played
in court: "Where is my sphincter?"
Laughter again proved to be the best medicine
as little Dougie was shuttled off to Dr.
Perales' office.
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Bend
Johnson Tries to Set the Cord Straight
 15
years after a scandal that became the focal point of the
1988 Summer Olympics and the low point in the history
of Canadian track and field, sprinter Ben Johnson continues
his plight to clear his name of past charges against him.
Shortly after setting a world record in the 100 metres
final during the Seoul Olympics, Ben Johnson was stripped
of his gold medals, faster then you can say "Arnold
for Prez" on steroids.
In a recent interview, found in the latest issue of the
J.Crew catalogue, Ben "Bend" Johnson explains
how he was wrongly accused of steroid use. In the same
article Ben also discloses how he received the nickname
"Bend" Johnson, and how a tragedy of endowment
resulted in one of the biggest Olympic scandals ever.
According to Ben's recollection, he wasn't accused of
steroid use as a result of the urine test, but argues
that is was during the physical examination that Olympic
officials drew their conclusion - when they saw his bent
member.
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High
Heels Do Not Cause Arthritis
In a recently published article put out by the
Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, found that
wearing high heels does not contribute to arthritis later
in life. Apparently, standing on your tip-toes and wearing
a short cut leather skirt does not effect your joints
in an inflammatory way, but rather effects local camping
by-laws.
By-law enforcement teams are very worried about this newly
released information. Local Shortbush Officer, Jared Leclerq,
was quoted as saying, "If this article leads to increased
high heeled shoe sales, and that in turn leads to a massive
in-flux of mini-skirts or its even shorter cousin 'the
maxi-skirsh', then we are going to need 10-15 park rangers
for every square block of this city - simply to issue
fines for pitching tents in non-designated tent pitching
areas."
Leclerq believes we could even begin seeing more 4 person
pitched tents than permanent residents which led many
to pose the question: can dead people get chubby?
Sociology professor Anne Lubedermire, author of the book
"The Sexual Revolution: It was the maxi-skirsh",
claims that any re-introduction of the 'maxi-skirsh' into
society would bring about the kind of wide spread cutloose
orgy that Shawn Kemp warned us about in his book "My
Sexual Revolution: It definitely WAS the maxi-skirsh". |
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Faster
Than Email
In a surprise move of diversification, except to Carl
Lewis, football greats Raghib "Rocket" Ismail
& Qadry "Missle" Ismail have started their
own computer courier service claiming to be up to 10 times
faster than email.
Calling this new service, well, ISMAIL, Rocket & Missle
hired the former "World's Fastest Man" now working
alongside Ice-T feverishly trying to straighten out the
"Evil Dick" dilemma: Ben"D" Johnson.
Ben was reluctant to take on such a difficult project,
but with the promise of becoming more famous than he was
in Seoul, he agreed.
Minutes after Jon Voight had been devoured, Ben was given
his assignment. All he had to do was: run the tens of
millions of ISMAILs to all of their 1 500 000 customers
across North America.
Once that was completed minutes later, Rocket & Missle
calculated that B.J., as Ben liked to called (or so we
think that's what he said), could effectively deliver
the ISMAILs almost before the clients hit the send button,
leading many to ask the question: is Ben Johnson the internet? |
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Problems
Arise In The Jessica Lynch Story
 One
hero to emerge from a just war so ripe with heroes was
POW Jessica Lynch. Jessica Lynch had survived capture
by the heathen and swarthy Iraqi's during Operation Enduring
Freedom. The glowing goodness of the American Forces shone
through, as they were able to liberate one said Jessica
Lynch in an all-out blitz meant to deflect the swarthiness.
With ultra high-tech gadgetry and Jesus on their side
the Americans were able to deflect the swarthiness, or
at least neutralize it, and spring her out of an Iraqi
hospital. It must be said that even though the high-tech
gadgetry and Jesus had some part in the liberation, most
of the daring-do and execution wouldn't have been possible
without all the preparation that went into preparing the
American soldiers for all the swarthiness. In fact, prior
to Operation Enduring Freedom the Americans spent about
3 years in Portugal exposing their soldiers to extreme
levels of swarthiness in order to desensitize the soldiers
and increase their capacity to endure swarthiness.
Despite the easy transfer of swarthiness to the silver
screen, Hollywood began having problems adapting the 'true-story.'
The initial screenplay writers hit the wall trying to
establish why the Americans were even in Iraq in the first
place. Without any credible beginnings for the so-called
'true-story' they were unable to establish Jessica Lynch
as a likeable or sympathetic character. New screenwriters
had to be brought in to doctor the script and make it
'truer'.
The new screenwriters added the plausible twist that a
meteor was hurtling towards the hospital and that a rag-tag
group of banditos had to be called on to blow-up the meteor.
Eventually, Jessica Lynch was to fall in love with the
bandito that liberated her and blew up the meteor. It's
refreshing to see this kind of risky originality emerge
out of Hollywood.
The film is slated for a late fall release to prime itself
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Al
Gore Inserts Himself Into the Ben Johnson Internet Fray
 With
Ben Johnson now officially confirmed as faster than the Internet,
few people have stepped forward to refute what is now looked
upon as the truth. That is until Al Gore voiced his opinion
on the matter.
Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet, contends that without
the Internet Ben Johnson would not be enjoying the renaissance
period that he is enjoying today. Therefore, if the Internet
didn't exist, Ben Johnson would only be faster than the next
closest thing, which, if you happen to live on earth, would
be the U.S. war machine.
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Hot
Stock Tips
 In
order to better understand one's discretionary income and make
the most of it, this week's issue will discuss the new macro-economic
model: The Invisible Crossover.
Now The Invisible Crossover, a model based on zero economic
downtime and extreme diversification, was actually inspired
by a chocolate spread. Chocolate spread? Yes, chocolate spread.
When Kobe Bryant was dropped by the un-named chocolate spread
company that he endorsed, economic think tanks began to whir,
then wheeze, because, simply, most economists don't have the
game legs anymore to play more than a game of horse. On the
upside, despite their inability to do a hook shot from half
court, the economists were surprisingly limber at being economists.
What, in theory, was most intriguing to the economists was that
Kobe actually experienced economic fallout from his rape charge.
The negative publicity had the undesired effect of losing him
money and future potential endorsements. This intriguing effect,
dubbed Raped Earnings, inevitably set the wheels in motion for
the perpetual economic gains theory (the early un-compromised
version) which later became known as the Invisible Crossover.
Typically, as the Invisible Crossover theory negates, when one
was faced with an allegation that was detrimental to their character,
business would naturally fall off in relation to the level of
negativity (e.g. the higher the negativity, the higher the business
falloff would be), but under the assumption of zero economic
downtime, the typical downtime would be transformed into a peak-business
period. This allows people to profiteer to the max during times
of turmoil (e.g. a rape charge). Therefore if one can profit
in even the most heinous of situations, then one can profit
anytime, thus completing the invisible crossover.
Therefore, in order to make the most of one's money, and experience
zero economic downtime, one can't spread his/her portfolio thin
like chocolate spread, because one never knows when that next
rape charge (economic downtime and/or rape charge) is around
the corner. So one should do as the Invisible Crossover states
and diversify his/her portfolio to the extreme. An item that
would diversify one's portfolio alone would be the addition
of Bell Biv Devoe's classic album: Poison. By adding this album,
one's portfolio will have been diversified into street, funk,
hip-hop, R&B, and knowledge. |
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Scientists
want to look inside teenagers' brains
 Neuroscientists
at McGill University have begun one of the largest studies ever
undertaken to explain what happens to the human brain during
adolescence. The scientists are looking for 100, 10-12 year
old volunteers to help them learn more about what goes on in
their brains.
"So far," says neuroscientist Barry, "the data
we've amassed has been inconclusive. Once we looked inside the
teenagers' brains, we saw a lot of, what looked like, misshapen
dick pussies. However, those symbols are commonly mistaken for
topographic maps of Aruba (the store). These are truly amazing
findings either way."
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It
didn't take the producers of Freddy
vs. Jason long to realize they had
a box office hit on their hands, collecting
over 12 million dollars in only the
first hour of the movies opening.
It took them even less time to commit
to creating a sequel and signing on
an all star cast that boasts the likes
of Summer Catch star Freddie Prinze
Junior. That's right, I know what
you did last summer - you saw Summer
Catch.
In
a surprise addition to its rulebook,
the NBA allowed teams to implement
a new Homeland Security defense into
its game-time strategy .
Roberto
Alomar edition